I'm confused.

I knew that when my mum went home I'd miss her, but I didn't realize that I'd be homesick too.

The thing is, my home's here with my husband and kids.  Were I to leave them and follow my mum back to the UK to try and allieviate some of this homesickness, I'd be homesick for St Louis and them.  I also get homesick for South Dakota - we spent 9 years there and whilst we couldn't wait to leave, we now realize what a good thing we were on to back there and really want to go back there when Dave's done with his Air Force career.

*sigh*

I suppose that instead of 'homesick', a better term for what I'm experiencing is 'missing'.  I'm missing my mum, I'm missing my hometown, I'm missing South Dakota and if I decided to do something about what I'm feeling regarding those places and people, I'd end up missing my husband and my kids and my dog and my cat.

Either way you look at it, I'm going to end up missing someone or something.  I guess the best thing I can do is embrace (I detest using that phrase because I think it's over and mis-used, but it best describes what I'm going to do with these feelings I'm having) this pain; embrace it and hold it close to me, let myself feel it and experience it....and eventually I'll either get used to it or it'll lessen and lessen and I'll learn to live with it. 

Apparently, I still have some crying to do.

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One of the guys that works with Dave really surprised me this morning.  He and I had never really done well together before; he behaved as if he didn't like me and I didn't know why because we'd never really had any interaction before and he had, as far as I knew, no reason to dislike me.

I had to call over there this morning to get Dave a flight home.  The unit there seemed to have an attitude of 'you're hurt and can't participate, so fuck you very much and adios'.  There wasn't anyone booking him flights or taking him to the airport, so I decided to call his unit and ask for advice.

The guy who didn't like me answered the phone and was just fabulous about helping me.  He got Dave a flight out this afternoon - he really went out of his way to make sure that Dave got home ok.  He was a little stand-offish at first, but all that went away once I told him what I was trying to do.  I was very pleasantly surprised, actually.  I didn't think he'd do all that he did. 

So, Dave's coming home this afternoon.  He's in an immobilizer, walking on crutches and has a supply of Vicodin. It's his right leg, so I'm going to have to be his taxi service for the next few days.  He's going to the hospital here tomorrow to get an MRI done - nobody's done that for him yet, and he's frantic to know exactly what he's done.  I don't blame him; his career is riding on this injury.  If it's not too bad, he can get another chance at Raven school.  If it's horribly bad.....well, I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not going to speculate.

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Things are not going so well with my patients.  Confidentiality prevents me from saying a whole lot more, but my personal opinion is that their needs aren't being met and that living alone is not a good idea for them anymore.  I don't want there to be a catastrophe that results in them no longer having control over their own lives, but I can see it coming - and that terrifies me.  I literally feel queasy when I think about it.  Yes, I've voiced my concerns to them, and they acted like they were listening, but they refuse to even consider changing the current situation, so.....my hands are tied.  I've done what I can do, and I'll continue to provide them with the best care I can, despite my not agreeing with their decisions.

I wish, however, that they would understand that I have a family and that my family will always, always, always, come first.  Period.  I've become very attached to them and I'm very fond of them, but they are NOT my family and it really aggrivates me when they almost expect me to drop everything, to change my plans so that I can come and look after/drive them to where they need to go.  One of them gets very upset and confrontational when I tell them that I can't, and (again) it makes me feel ill to have to tell them that no, I can't take/care for them.

I think that the biggest mistake I made when I started nursing for them was to go above and beyond, and I find that very sad.  My mum says that sometimes elderly people become very selfish and self-centered; they think that the entire world revolves around them.  That's exactly what's happened in this case, I think, and I'm having a hard time with telling them 'no'.

My husband tells me to remember that I'm their employee, that maybe remembering that I'm only the hired help will ease my angst.

I try, but it's not working very well.

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I cut my hair off.

Mum made a couple of comments about it having no shape, and I agreed with her.  I grew it out, and it didn't really suit me.  So, I got it cut into a stacked bob, had a few chestnut highlights put in it, and I'm loving it.  Dave hasn't seen it yet, and I'm not expecting him to say 'my dear gawd!!!!!!! your hair is fucking HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!' as soon as he sees me....but I would like a little affirmation that yes, it does look better from him.

We'll see what he has to say.............

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*sigh* I'm still confused.....