Well, it's been close to half a year since I've written, but I plan on finally starting again. I need a place to escape, a place to put my scattered thoughts where someone can read them. Where people I know can't read them.
Life has changed so drastically for me over this summer and fall. This summer was gorgeous. The warm weather brought inspiration, and although I was stressed with the many things I had to do, I thouroughly enjoyed it. Days were spent at the beach, drinking beer and hiding the cans in the dishwasher when grandma came home. Nights spent riding into the sunset on the back of a bike, with a new crush. I allowed myself to be overtaken by my joy de vivre, because I knew my childhood was almost over. Warm summer nights spent with family and friends. Growing closer to my best friend and learning new lessons with her.
College worked itself out. I knew it would, and I'm glad that I didn't stress myself out too much over it. After much consideration, I decided on good, old UW-Stevens Point. My hometown. The only town I've ever known. But, I'm almost satisfied. Maybe I'm just being naive and looking for an easy way out... but it feels like I'm called to be so much more than this for such a time as this.
Along with the seasons of life, I've changed. I've always wanted to "go against the flow" etc, and as naive and immature as that is, that's almost what I'm trying to do. Most of all, going back to the college thing, I'm happy that I didn't choose a Christian college. That would've killed me; sent me off the deep end, if you will. I would have wanted to "go against the flow" and completely rebelled. But here, I look at my school, the 12th party school in the nation, and I'm repulsed. Like, how fun is that to go out and get completely trashed out of your mind every weekend? I enjoy my social life and drinks, as well. I just don't feel the need to go out and get smashed to solve all my stupid problems.
Sometimes, though, I wonder what I'm doing here. Being spoon-fed information, sleeping through class because they bore me to that point, failing tests because my memorization capacity isn't as large as my creative... Maybe my irritiablility level is just really high, but I'm sick of this mindless, boring work. I can't concentrate for one second on it.
I can say, without a doubt, that if I believed in my motivation and self-determination enough, I would drop out of school today. But, sadly, I don't. Sadly, I'm worried I don't want it enough. That probably doesn't make much sense, but I know that I could be so much, even without a college degree. But, that would take self-determination. And procrastination always comes a day too soon. My life feels so average, and I wish I had the determination to escape that.
I don't go to church anymore. My mom still pressures me, but I can't take the constant surveillence and hypocrisy carried out by the youth pastor at the church my parents attend. I know I'll never find the perfect church, but right now, I'm enjoying finding truth on my own. I'm not straying from anything I've been taught, on the contrary, it's becoming more imprinted in myself because with each step I take on my own, I know it's a real step, because it's my own. I've been getting together with a couple good friends and discussing philosophy, religion, God, and His plan for our lives.
Lately, I've been writing a lot, smoking too much, and hanging out at coffeeshops. I met a guy who's four years older than me and in this hot rock band. I'm listening to him play, as I write this. We had our two-week fling, but it ended tonight, due to the fact that I won't put out. I should just get over it. That's all I can do. I only wished he hadn't let me on, and hadn't made it feel so right between us. I'm on my way to getting over it and realizing that I'm so much better than this, but I just can't seem to forget the promises and the kisses. Anyway... enough rambling about lost loves.
Well, that's the update of my life, for now.
~Sarah
