Hello JU....long time no write. As of right now, my brain is running a million miles a minute and I need to write a rant about life, feelings, relationships, and everything in between.
First off, has anyone ever heard of former supermodel Gia Carangi? She was huge in the late 70's and early 80's (about the same time as Surreal Life mega biatch Janice Dickinson) for her unique and exotic looks. She was the meme for many fashion designers including Diane von Furstenburg, Perry Ellis, and Christian Dior.
The late (and great) fashion photographer Francisco Scavullo chose to highlight Gia in one of his noted fashion photography books entitled, "Scavullo Women." In this iconic book, Scavullo chose 15 models and actresses whom which he thought embodied the true essence of "beauty." All of these women were interviewed and then shot (had their pic taken) for a photo layout. The layout was rather interesting. It had one picture of each woman with makeup and one picture of each woman without it.
Each women had something interesting to say. Kim Alexis thoroughly described her transformation from girl with a freckle face to sex kitten. Kristie Brinkley pontificated on about her workout routine. Elizabeth Taylor explained how as you get older, your thoughts on beauty change. Out of all of the interviews, no one quite hit beauty on the head like Gia.
Gia went on to say, "Sure, I'm supposed to be beautiful, after all I am a fashion model, but when I look in the mirror and feel good about myself, then I am beautiful." Sadly enough, Gia was lying. She did not feel beautiful. She felt alone and used. She was the "it girl" in the world of Vogue, Cosmo, and Glamour, yet, that's all anyone cared about. All she wanted was one person to reach out to her. One person to be proud of her, but all they saw were dollar signs. Gia turned to drugs. She died of AIDS in 1986.
In the haunting truth behind her statement, I believe that Gia hit the nail on the head. Being beautiful is about having confidence in yourself. Posessing beauty is feeling it from within and letting illuminate your life for others to see. Knowing the power of your beauty is seeing it through the eyes of the people you come in contact with.
I am able to see this characteristic in others, however, I am unable to see it within myself.
I play headgames with myself. I look in the mirror and see nothing. I do not feel like I radiate. I do not feel like i have anything to offer. I go through the motions of life and feel like a failure. I do not feel attractive anymore. I look in the mirror and all I see are flaws. I do not see what is on the pages of the magazine or what I saw even 3 years ago.
I am 5`2 and 137 lbs (I finally got on the scale...ahhhh!!). I work out and eat right most of the time, but I still manage to put on weight. I have wavy brown hair that falls a bit past shoulders. I have large bone structure. I have such dark eyes that they are almost black. I wear glasses. I am 24 and I am still prone to break outs. I have always had a decent size chest and rather large ass--even when I only weighed 115. I have thick legs from exercising and dancing when I was younger.
(if you want to see a picture, I posted one back in may on here...if I knew how to attach it without losing the article, i would.)
How can any of this define beauty?
My husband thinks that I am gorgeous. Every time he tells this to me, I just want to scream. He knows I feel the way I do. I have brought him to tears on several occasions involving this topic. He says it destroys him when I rip myself apart. He tells me that he doesnt know how long he can take all of my self doubt.
So now, I'm ruining my marriage.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I want to change, but I don't even know where to start. Do any of you ever feel this way? If so, what do you do to make yourself feel otherwise?
