To the club tonight, with my slutty friends and cheap make-up. We go out to have fun, but I already know that it's not going to make any bit of difference than if I was sitting in my room with the hopeless romantic movies, tissues, cat, and down feather tick. A cute guy winks at me, but I don't really care anymore. That guy with the perfect teeth, Ken-doll blonde hair, and pretention written on his oversized forehead doesn't know who I am or what I'm like. Just that I have a sweet ass, supposidly, and then he starts licking his lips, but I just give him the one eyebrow up look, and sheepishly stalk my friends to an empty table, and swig down my illegal beer and wait for the numbness to kick in. For my head to turn light. For the world to end. For the pain to go away.
I bite my lip as I sit out and watch my friends dance around, and I smile and wave just to let them know that I'm alright. No use ruining their fun. and even though i know that I'm not suppose to think about this, I wonder if that bastard's here... I never curse, but it makes me feel a slight surge of power to judge him like that. I don't mean it, but I fool myself to. My friend signals for me to come dance, and I do, but then I freeze.
All of the world isn't there. My friend isn't waving at me, Mr. Pretention isn't winking, the music isn't blaring, but he IS there. There with some nameless face of a girl. Dancing, close. So close, and she's doing all of these extravegant moves, these sensual moves. And then...no...., its not happening. Closer, and closer their lips are, until all that is in vision is tongues and slutty smirks. Everything else is just blurry and smokey. The disco lights and fog machine make everyone not there. Even if they werent on, it would still seem the same way. Totally absorbed, his hands, the hands that ran through my hair, across my tear drenched cheeks, now on her narrow hips and going down further. His chest now occupied with a different head. His strong arms, no longer cloaking me invisible, but now around her.
I wake from my trance with a hand on my back, and I break from it to look at my friend's chalky face, asking me if everything's alright, but she seems so distant. I automatically reply that I twisted my ankle, that's all, Go back and have fun. I don't want to ruin her time. I need to go home, and take care of my ankle. I'll call you, she says, but I still can't move my feet, that are seemingly welded to the floor. A giant lurch in my stomache as she nibbles on the same lip that used to comfort me in good times and bad. I feel that lurch going around in my stomache, and my head hurts, the bass pounding like the blood in my veins. I think I'm naucious, so I hurry to get myself some milk to calm my stomache down. I try, but I can't drink it. It's so hard. oh no, i think. that burning sliding up my throat, I have to go. I hurry through the ocean of smiles until i finally reach the outside, almost missing the sidewalk. Giggling in the backround, but I don't care, until I turn around. There he is. her in his arms, and our eyes lock, the way that they always used to. He could always read my emotions with those deep green eyes of his, and he held that apologetic look, and I'm not able to move. "Need some help there, honey?" she laughs out. His perfect arms around such a wrech. my hands shake, I have to get out of this. Screw the cab, i need to go. Feet aren't moving, and, thank god, someone bumps into me, shaking me back to life. I turn around and quickly skuttle up the side walk, and dissapear around the corner.
i finally make it to a gas station and put the coins in the machine for a cab. wait 15 minutes with the cinema inside my head rewinding again, the angst in my head, and i finally notice that i have been biting my lip so hard this past hour that it was bleeding sweet tasting blood into my desert mouth. I reach home, reach my haven bedroom, take all my smoke-drenched clothes off and slip into my bed, arms wrapped around my long legs, crying until i sleep. Trembling all the way...
