Of course, feeling this way is only "normal", but when the hell have I ever done anything for the "normality" of it? It's not for the normality that I am inclined to feel attracted to these things. It's just this feeling I get when I think about them. It feels so good to be bad or at least want to be bad. It feels good to have conflict and confrontation, in some respects. Not that that's what this is about, because it isn't.
It's about drinking and passing out. It's about smoking cigarettes and going to parties. It's about hitting the clubs and forgetting everything else. It's about going to "bad" rock concerts and staying out all night. It's about being selfish and just doing what I want to do. It's about being a stupid rebel teenager. It's about no rules and no boundaries. It's about defying the limits. It's about having the kind of fun I've been taught, if not only subtly, all my life, to never have. It's about doing what I shouldn't. Not exactly for the reason that I shouldn't, but I'm sure that's a big part of this imaginary thrill.
I'm sure these things aren't all they're cracked up to be, and yet they have such a strong appeal to me. Not even to do forever. Just for a summer. Just for a weekend. Just for the thrill. It's about knowing I've done it, for the experience.
Of course, in the end, none of this will bring me true happiness, but I still think it'd be fun to try for a night or two. I suppose there's nothing wrong with a lot of it, and some will come soon enough. Staying out all night and getting "caffiene-night" is something I look forward to in the college life. Rock concerts and clubs is something that I'm sure I'll do as well. There ain't nothing wrong with some of this. But I don't think it's right to go get wasted. I don't think it's right to have one night stands. I don't want to suffer the guilt and consequences of it, but I still want it, sometimes.
In the end, I love God too much to break His heart. I know Him too well that I don't want the consequences of certain actions. In the end, I can only, and wrongly so, fantasize about some of these things.
~Sarah
