I need to write again. I don't mean write as in journal about my daily life, although I need to do that. I mean, I need to write. I need to really be free and let my emotions drip, like wax, onto my paper, my computer screen.
I want to feel so badly sometimes. I've been learning so many things lately. I've been learning that I can't force feelings. I can't force something that's not there. I can't feel something if I'm not capable of it. I really want to, but it's like I've become numb to all emotion. Not joy or sadness, I feel those full well. It's compassion I lack, understanding I strive for more of. I want to love. I want to love God more. I want to love my friends more, my family better.
I want to give my heart away, to the boy who has been so generous with his. I love in the most real sense I can. I write poetry to try to express something I want to feel, but I never quite know if it's real. I can't give my heart away, I can't give my complete trust to someone when I can't even trust myself. I don't want to be fake. Why do I keep running? Maybe God's protecting me from hurt. It's like fire. I want to play with fire, but I don't want to feel the sting. I want to walk on coals, but I don't want to hurt. I guess God is good. Of course He is, and I know He knows what's best. Even if it's not what I want at the moment. That's probably why I keep running.
I want to remember things from my past, cherish everything with the ones I love. I want to remember more about my grandpas, and my Nana. I want to see their laughing faces again, in my mind. I don't want to see them lying there, sick. I want to remember them alive and happy. In the mall yesterday I saw a bag of rocks in a fancy, expensive store. I thought about my grandpa, on my mom's side, and how I went shopping with him, and we laughed about overly-priced rocks. I remember how good it felt having him there, how much I enjoyed him. I want to smell the little, pink stone butterfly my Nana bought me in Florida. I want to remember every little detail and cherish every moment I had. Every moment they made me feel special and loved.
I want to live every moment now, and cherish it. I'm tired of procrastinating. I want to go ride my horse again, and play my guitar. I want to get schoolwork done, and write. I want to be an introvert for a while and read and sit in a coffee shop with no one I know beside me. I want to get away, and I want change. I want to get out of what's comfortable and live to every extreme. That's why I want to love. I want to do everything so extremely. Not just average, but I want to love like I'll never be hurt. I suppose that I should just trust God. He knows what's best.
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 3:5
~Sarah
