Sometimes I feel so sure, so confident. I know myself and can grasp who I am. Other times I slide backwards, grasping only what I know to be true. My emotions get the best of me at times, but usually I'm a "thinker" not a "feeler". Why do I have such self doubt? Why do I have to question everything about myself?
I feel as though I have to construct and build who I want to be. Maybe I'm just really good at faking. I feel like I make myself at times. I feel as though I take other people's personalities and cyphen them into me. Maybe I could never really be who I'm supposed to. I look at some people and they're just so awesome. I want to be like them, so maybe I make myself like them, in a way. But, it doesn't exactly look like I'm copying them, because no one knows and no one cares, and obviously it looks different on me. Or maybe none of that is true. It's probably just my mood.
Rawr (see, stole that from Ashley. lol). Maybe I'm just tired right now. My eyes blink and beg not to come opened. I think after analyzing, I have it somewhat figured out. Oh, crap, I just had it. Ohh, here it returns... I think I am very much an "organizer"... very much a "thinker", not a "feeler", like I said. So, I want to have myself organized. And in this quest for finding myself, I try to pinpoint my strengths and weaknesses. I try. That's the jist of it. I try to be something I'm not, maybe. But maybe I don't, then again. That's just the point, I don't know exactly who I'm supposed to be. At all.
Another part of it is that I'm such an observer. I look at my friends and know some of them pretty well (at least I think I do ). I have them "organized" in my head and in my heart. I watch them so much and smile at all their little quirks. I'm so proud of their strengths, and even their weakness's don't make me like them any less. I see Hannah's gentleness, Amy's independence, Amanda's great writing, Ashley's humour and self-confidence, Joel's humour, Joy's kindness and wisdom, Emily's talents, Danielle's beauty, Allie's kindness. I love them all for who they are and sometimes aspire to be like them.
This teenage era is a weird age. I really hope it gets better. I really hope one day I find myself. In all this stupid drama, I hope I pick up all the peices one day. When I feel like this, it feels like I've been fakin' it all along. I know that's not true. I know that I'm the happy, independent, assured person that I portray myself to be.
But still, I'm like soft clay. I could be almost anything you wanted me to be. I really could. I could make myself nice, mean, punk, prep, ditz, studious, super gentle, or anything else. But, in the midst of my chaos, I find some strange comfort. As much is as unknown, I have so much hope that God has big plans for my life and that He'll bake that clay, one day, for good. I feel so unstable right now, but it felt so good to write this.
~Sarah
