Hey, eyes up here pal!

I love the ladies, I always have. I love the way a woman can brighten a room by entering it. I admire an attractive woman as I would a painting at the Louvre. It has been said that I can be a big puddle of stupid around an attractive woman. I am a people watcher and enjoy observing people and taking them in. It’s not always sexual in nature. Well, it is a little sexual because I have never looked at a man’s ass and lost my train of thought. But I just look. I don’t stare, ogle, drool, make cat-calls or say “hey baby I got what you want and it’s right here!” I just look because I am into beauty. But I don’t touch. Now I know that there are some female readers out there who are sharpening their pencils in preparation to lambaste me on the premise of my wife’s perspective here. Please reserve judgement until I am done.

My wife knows that I look. She doesn’t care because fidelity has never been an issue for us. I may be one of the only men in the world who is OK with the concept of monogamy. If not for the fact that I can’t even imagine dating again (“Hi, I’m bald and overweight, under-endowed with one testicle and thousands in debt. Wanna go out”?)but I also enjoy being in a relationship. I will take boredom over bullshit any day. You can overcome boredom but the stench of bullshit doesn’t go away with Fabreze. My wife even has a little fun with my broad taste in women. That is a nice way of saying that what many men would not find attractive I do. She will frequently ask me about a new friend or a face in the crowd “do you think she’s pretty?” I tend to surprise her with my answers. There are “Bottle Blondes” with big fake titties and absolutely no tan lines evident that I will not find hot at all. And there are some women who defy Madison Avenue with their abundance or lack of height, weight, make-up or highlights that I still find very attractive. Truthfully, if I was single I would probably want to date 75% of the women that I meet because I can find something attractive in all of them.

I’m not looking for a cookie here and I promise I’m going somewhere with this. My experience with women has taught me two things. The first is that women are every bit as insecure about their shortcomings as men are. Some can hide it and some can’t. Even very attractive women who draw envy from other women could be worried about something that never occurred to us. My wife is a perfect example. Since giving birth to our 4^th child she has lost 100 pounds through the revolutionary concept of Diet and Exercise (imagine that). She still thinks she is unattractive. When I tell her that she is a “hottie” worthy of MILF status she shoots me down. Yet all of my male friends and co-workers are lining up for a shot at her if we ever split up.

The second and most important fact about women that I have learned is that unless you love the whole package be careful not to objectify them. You need to appreciate and respect the whole woman. Not only when you are attempting to date them, also while you are doing something as mundane as selling them a car (my line of work). Did you know that the number 1 complaint made by women in Auto Dealerships is that the salesperson did not treat them as a significant factor in the purchase? When you are sizing up the husband by the watch, clothes and credit report make sure you pay the same attention to his wife. But chances are her watch is on the hand that is up the husbands ass controlling the transaction.

This entire rant has been bought on by a series of encounters with a male co-worker. He is 35 years old and I would have to say he is good-looking. Quick with a smile full of big white teeth he is the consummate “ladies man“. And as a cocksman he is very successful. But to call him misogynistic is the understatement of the year. Every woman he sees is initially evaluated by lumping them into the categories of “smoking hot”, “2 bagger”, “chubby but doable”, or in terms of physical attributes like “big rack”, “big ass” …well you get the picture. And they always are suspected of "wanting to bone". He’s 35, has he discovered yet that the fleshy area immediately surrounding cleavage is the rest of the woman? Bad joke, sorry.

I don’t begrudge him his conquests. Shame on the girls for letting him treat them that way. If he beds one, ignores her calls for a month, bumps into her at the place they originally hooked up and still hop back in the rack with him then they are partly to blame. But I have continually asked him when he is going to stop “banging girls” and start to “see women”. It is not that I am preaching, I am actually trying to help him. The day that I met him he told me that he was divorced due to his philandering and he would love more than anything to win his ex-wife’s trust back and see his little boy every day, not just on the weekend. But every time I turn around, I see him running across the room trying to catch up with his penis. Why do I bother?