I’m a pretty patient, reasonable bloke. I mean, I don’t pride myself on these traits or anything quite as fancy as that but I do try to remain mindful of everything around me and put myself in other’s shoes. I like to consider myself a pretty laidback man (except, according to my wife, when it comes to housework. She says it seems as though inanimate objects sorely test my patience whenever I’m faced with vacuuming, dusting or bathroom duties).

I guess, like most of us, I have my limits, which appear to be restricted to furniture and fixtures but what man out there couldn’t say housework tests theirs to the fullest. Having said this, though, I have my biggest musical inspirations while washing dishes. I don’t know whether this is some kind of allusion to the fact my music is as dull as dishwater but I like to think not.

However, back to the rant. One thing that riles me up more than just about anything else is bad manners and today’s apparent lack of common sense. I’m starting to think modern society, for all its pluses, has become what it is at the sacrifice of these two very important traits. Simple courtesies are being crushed under the weight of not-so-righteous indignation, selfishness, angry abrasiveness and plain, ordinary rudeness. It really is quite sad and, for someone like me, having been raised to be polite and courteous, frustrating to the point of distraction. So, for those who are unsure, here are a few pointers on how not to piss off everyone around you:

1. Please and thank you don’t hurt: No, really. Try it out, right now. Say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. See, it didn’t hurt one bit, did it? Now try saying it with a smile on your face. I bet you found it even easier, didn’t you? You will be surprised with how pleasant people can be towards you when you use these two simple words.

To use these, simply apply a ‘please’, when asking for something e.g. “I’d like a decaf soy latte with a shot of caramel, please” and then use a ‘thank you’ when you’ve received what you’ve asked for. Remember, customer service people are human, just like you, and therefore entitles to a little common courtesy. If you don’t get what you asked for, you will find those serving you much more likely to help you out because of your courtesy.

There are many other instances where these can be used, sometimes in the same sentence. If you’re not comfortable with these words, practice them at home first until you are. If you keep at it, you will find yourself using them without even realising it.

2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything: no really, just shut the fuck up. You might think the world revolves around you. But it doesn’t, despite what your parents might have said or done when you were a child. Telling Grandma or Great Aunt Gertie you’re the golden-haired child when you were seven might have been a good thing then. But you are no longer seven. You’re an adult. And unless you are one of the elite of the world, you should wake up and realise it will keep on spinning regardless of your day to day problems.

I don’t want to hear about the problems you had with the bloke in the car park who should have realised you were his superior but cut in anyway. Your problems are only interesting to you. If I ask how you are, I’m not asking because I want to know. I’m merely being polite. The only time the question counts is if we’re lying in bed next to each other, if you’ve just bought the first round or I’m married to you.

3. Cars, bikes, prams or anything else with wheels are not weapons: You know when you’re driving along, blissful and attentive only to the song on the radio and some moron/bastard/bitch/idiot/whatever cuts in front of you or steps off the curb or does something unexpected and you have to hit the breaks hard in order to avoid upping your insurance premiums again? You slow down, wind your window down and give the learner driver or child playing on the sidewalk a blast that would burn the ears off a seasoned football coach. But the reality is this incident is your fault.

If you’re driving, then you’re responsible for the actions of the vehicle, not the child on the sidewalk or the learner driver. You know that little twinge you feel in your guts for the rest of the day. Well that is an ulcer just priming itself on the juices of your inconsistent anger. In other words, it’s your karma, baby.

This also applies to skateboards, shopping trolleys, bikes, motorised wheelchairs and particularly to prams and more particularly, to those big hummer-sized prams that barely fit in shopping aisles and footpaths. Unless your baby is called Huey, then why the fuck do you need a monster pram?

4. I don’t want to hear your phone call: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting on a bus or train when the shrill polytone of someone’s mobile goes off. Usually the person answering has a voice 3 decibels louder than a 747 (refer to point 5 for further information). The conversation overpowers every other around them. The reason for their volume is because they’ve just pulled earbuds out while listening to their iPod at ridiculous volumes. They’re partly deaf and think yelling is going to improve their hearing. Take it from someone who IS deaf: it doesn’t help one little bit.

The bottom line is that having a mobile phone these days means nothing. It is not a status symbol anymore. You are more likely to be considered important if you don’t have one because this usually means you have staff to answer one for you. If you’re that important, then what are you doing riding on the fucking bus anyway? So keep your conversation to a minimum volume or, better still, wait until you get somewhere private to have it.

5. Discretion in all things said and done: This is not so much advice but more a creed to live by. So many people these days act and speak large and by this, I mean their personalities positively scream all the damn time. More often than not, the larger the act, the less likely this person actually has anything worthwhile to say or do. Remember the old saying: better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open mouth and remove all doubt.  It is still a an oldy and a goody because it is true.