some years ago, i picked up my home telephone very late at night to be greeted by a surprised sounding male voice that said: “you’re a real woman ?”
i, being the brilliant conversationalist that i am, screeched back: “what ??”
to which said male voice replied: “i thought you would be a recording”
(yes gentle reader, i agree that this alone should have triggered enough alarm bells to make me hang up on him. but it took a while to sink in ...)
me. again. (i’m so smart): “what ? ... err ... WHAT ?”
him: “these things are usually recordings ...”
me: “WHAT things ... what are you talking about ... i ... um ... oh my god, i think you have the wrong number”
him: “oh no, do i ?. i’m so sorry, lady”
me. (stunned but relieved): “ok, no problem. bye”.
2 minutes pass ... the phone rings. i answer. it’s one of my housemates, david.
me. (outraged): “eww, do you want to know what this dirty man just DID to me ?”
voice (that i realise with horror just sounded like david) replies: “ohhh, you’re good”
me. (i never learn): “WHAT ?”
david-sounding-voice: “yes ... tell me all about the dirty man”
me. “you’re kidding, right ?”
david-sounding voice: “no, mistress ... i would never do that”
cut to me. hanging up phone in horror and running downstairs to other housemate, adam.
adam is stoned and trying to sleep. he has a phone extension in his room, and it’s ringing again as i walk into his room.
he’s shitty and slurs “why’ssa phone keep friggin ringin’ ? ... get it or unplug mine, would’ya”
i only have time to say: “it’s some weirdo ...”.
this annoys him and he cuts me off before i have any time to warn him. he picks up the (still ringing) phone and yells into it: “I’M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE. WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT, YOU FREAK ?”
as the caller answers his question, i watch his face. it takes only seconds for it to register mild shock, quickly followed by utter revulsion. adams' voice drops very low, and he says:
“WHAT did you just say to me ?”
he pauses, listening to the repeat answer, and then he says: “you’re fucking kidding me ... (he starts laughing so hard he can barely talk) ... what a loser ... go on, have one for me son !”.
at this, adam hangs up.
then it rings again.
we look at each other for about 6 rings. adam picks it up, and a male voice asks him for “the lady i spoke to a while ago”.
he covers the phone and says to me: “what the fuck have you been doing ?”
i say “nothing !” ... but it’s clear it doesn’t believe me and he passes me the phone. i don’t know what else to do, so i say “hello ?”
“um, hi there” says a voice that i immediately recognise as the “wrong number guy" that started this whole palaver. i am by now too confused to speak, so he prompts me by saying: “i thought you were a recording, remember ?”
i cannot believe i am having this conversation. but i still do. i say to him: “uh, yes, i remember you”.
(at this, adam gives me a look that just screams “closet phone-porn nympho”)
i’m too scared to ask the guy on the phone him what he “wants”, so i just stand there while he says: “i read a magazine called *****. it has a services section. i wrote this number down on some paper from there. from an ad”
me: (hugely relieved and now laughing): “oh, so you wrote this number by mistake ? ... like i said, no problem. thanks for letting me know”
him: “um, lady, that’s what i was calling to tell you. see, i just checked the ad, and i wrote the number down right ...”
i can’t remember what i said, but after i hung up i unplugged the phone and told adam “our phone number is listed in a porn mag” and he said: “what did you do THAT for ?”
cut to 2 days and many suggestive phone calls later, and me in a newsagency trying to inconspicuously purchase a copy of ***** as “evidence”.
of course i can’t find it. of course the only person working there is an old guy. of course he smiles nicely and says “can i help you?”. and of course his face crumples like i just asked him if his mother was a sailor when i state my mission.
he has to repeat it out loud too. just to make my shame is complete. “***** ?” he yells. "did YOU SAY ***** ?”.
me. (dying): “yes, thankyou. i did”
old guy. (still yelling): “back there on the left ... next to XXXXX and ***** ** ****”
humiliation complete, i drag home my prize, to be greeted by a posse consisting of my flatmate david and several of his friends, hunched over and around the phone in complete hysterics. it was then that i found myself uttering one of those strange phrases that you somehow end up with as a result of “stuff like this”...
“i have told you boys not to tease the weirdos’”
they tell the caller that their mother is home and hang up.
it’s no less awful when the magazine company won’t pulp the issue and i have to tell the police. adam and david don’t want to come with me but i force david to do it.
he’s no help.
he and adam have learned the word “rugmuncher” from a weirdo ...
... he is stoned and yells out “rugmuncher” all the way in the car. by the time we get to the police station, he’s laughing so hard he can’t stand up. i yell at him but he says “shut up, rugmuncher” and sets himself off again, so i leave him in the car.
i have to make a “statement”. there are some things i was convinced that i would never SAY in front of an officer of the law ...
... things like “i’ve been very, very naughty” and “i want you to make me sorry”. but i did. i had to. they made me quote the weirdos. word for word. “stamp on my face” ... “i’m just a little worm”. oh, the shame.
how i managed to keep a straight face, i’ll never know.
nobody else did. and this meant that my interview took ages because there must be 2 officers with you to confirm what you say. the senior one had a grip on himself, but the youngest officer kept leaving the room.
he said he had “sinus” but i think he was pissing himself laughing in the next room and then coming back.
when i said “walk me like a dog and rub my face in my own mess”, i think he almost exploded.
(the older one was just like the cop shows. he looked all stern and said “wilson” at the young one when it was clear beyond any reasonable doubt that “wilson” was about to fall about the place honking with uncontrollable laughter).
i left wilson to it and arrived at the car just in time to see david heading towards me. he said he had promised adam that he would say “rugmuncher” to the police.
i was tired. so forgive me. but i called after him as he walked towards the police station entrance ... “hey, ask for officer wilson”.
