Let me guess...the boyfriend is your son?

Some eagles just don't get that there comes a time when it is their duty to push the eaglets from the nest, not tie them to the bottom and sit on them as if they were still eggs.

I cant help but be reminded of your post on my Blog.

ya, that's what got me started actually. I was thinking of this when I read your blog about the other parents.

not tie them to the bottom and sit on them as if they were still eggs.

EXACTLY. That's the thing. The momma eagle's job is to start ruffling her feathers making things a bit uncomfortable in the nest until she finally just pushes them out. That's how it's supposed to be. But she's there with her eagle eye to swoop down and bring them back up only to try it again until they finally get it and it's not a long process either.

Sheesh pushy parents!

Actually the parents are really nice people. But when it comes to their kids they just have lost all common sense. This girl has a brother who is or should be in college but he's living a Jr High life playing video games and hanging out with his friends. He quit college and basically hangs around the house. Easy going parents are not doing their kids a favor. Tough love is a great motivating tool that needs to be utilized at times.

There will probably be a lot of hurt feelings for some time.

I think so to some extent and it's a shame cuz it really didn't have to be like this.

the boyfriend is your son?

why, does it matter? It's not germaine to the story either way.

why, does it matter? It's not germaine to the story either way.

Actually it does. This story is presented from a perspective, yours. When you tell a story about random people that you observe and don't interact with, you can do it without judgemnt or emotion.

It's obvious this girl is someone special to you.

KFC,

You are right to be concerned. The more parents control their children from something the higher chance they will have of doing what they are told not to. The damage parents do in such circumstances they won't be able to comprehend. Just my thoughts.

AD

I can see how I wouldn't want my daughter to go to another town and become dependent on a boyfriend.  Using the eagle story, if she's in another city, how will I be there to swoop in and catch her when she's falling?  I honestly would have a problem with my daughter chasing after a man who is not engaged to her.  Lets face it, if this guy dumps her, she's in trouble.  Strange town, alienated family.  Bad for her all round.

When I was in the AF lots of women followed the men I worked with around the world.  A guy would date a gal, not commit, then move to another base.  Then that gal would follow him.  Sometimes it worked, most times it didn't.  And she was left in a strange place with no one if he decided to move on.

So yeah, I'd be worried about my daughter.  And I'd question any man who wanted her to break away from the safety of her family to come "live by him."  Engagements can last a long time, certainly until he finished school.  He wants her to uproot her life and take a chance on him, and he's not even promised her marriage with an engagement?  I don't like that....she risks everything, he risks nothing.  In my mind, he is not honoring or protecting her...things I would want my daughter's boyfriend to do instinctually.

If he isn't ready to be engaged, then she shouldn't be moving out to be with him imho.  She is committing and he is not.  That is never a good thing. 

On the other hand, I know what its like to be 19 and on my own and in love with a man I'd follow to the ends of the earth.  Luckily, he never made me wait. heh.  And I didn't have any parents to caution me anyway.

It's sticky.  But I don't think its always easy for parents to let go.  Yeah, we know we have to do it.  But under less than desirable circumstances, well, who knows.

That's my two cents.

Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins.
Silently closing her bedroom door.
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more,
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her hankerchief.
Quietly turning the backdoor key...Stepping outside she is free.

She (We gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
home (We gave her everything money could buy)

She's leaving home after living alone for so many years.

Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown.
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stair
She breaks down and cries to her husband
Daddy our baby's gone.
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly? How could she do this to me?

She (We never thought of ourselves)
is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)
home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by)

She's leaving home after living alone for so many years.

Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away,
Waiting to keep the appointment she made.
Meeting a man from the motor trade.

She (What did we do that was wrong?)
is having (We didn't know it was wrong)
fun

Fun is the one thing that money can't buy.

Something inside that was always denied for so many years.

She's leaving home.
Bye, bye

she's leaving home lyrics by mccartney & lennon

1. She's 22, not 18.

And that's so old and mature . . . let's face it, us kids these days are not emotionally maturing as soon as they used to back in the olden days . . .

There are a number of variables about this scenario that we as the readers don't know.

Amen, Gid. I don't know what to think about this whole thing. I think Whip's "never mind" pretty much summed it up for me (and I can just imagine the retort that was originally there ) . . .

I have a 21 year old in VA, a 23 year old in Ohio and a 24 year old in Kentucky. And they are all doing great and with the exception of the one in college very productive and financially secure without any help from us. That's how it should be.

Anyone following your blog knew that.  And last time I drove those roads, none are 7 hours from you (sorry!  Maybe you should get a Leer Jet. )

Yes, that's a big part right there. And I do think my being the mom of boys and Gid, you the dad of girls makes a difference in the way you look at this scenerio. At 22 I was married with one baby and another on the way. This girl here is in no danger and is not planning to live with her boyfriend, so that's not a parental concern.

I'll respond to this one first. Do you know how many times girls have moved away not planning on moving in with their boyfriends, only to have a bad roommate experience lead them to decide to move in? I can't count the number of times I have seen this scenario play out in one way or another. Not to say that would happen here, but it's more likely to occur when the individual is outside the scope of parental influence.

I find it odd, KFC, that some of the rules you encourage others to follow are rules you are more than willing to waive for those close to you. This isn't the first time I have seen this.

I'm sure the girl is in no danger, but I'm also sure the parents have her best interests at heart. Wouldn't it have been better to encourage the girl to continue to work with her parents and communicate with them more to prepare for the move? When does the commandment to "honor your father and mother" become null and void? And can a relationship founded on rebellion truly thrive and prosper without a great deal of difficulty? I really think these concerns should have factored into your advice to this girl. Yes, she is 22, not 18, but encouraging a spirit of rebellion will only foster that spirit of rebellion in her relationship with her boyfriend. This could lead to some relationship problems down the road.

Would you allow your 18 yr old daughter go to Austin for college? If so, why not a 22 year old to locate there regardless if a boy is involved or not. Quite often these girls find their future husbands in college and when they do they spend every moment out of class with them and meet them there year after year. What's the difference?

If she is going there for college, she's going there to prepare for a future. She is not "putting all her eggs in one basket" as this girl is; if the relationship fails, the girl is stuck in a strange city 400 miles from her extended family.

I personally agree the family made an unwise decision in this, because they made it far less likely that she will return to them for advice if problems come up. Better to accept her decisions as an adult without approving of them, and let her know the door is always open.

From my angle knowing most of the pieces of this puzzle, I see control and a relunctance on the part of the parent's in letting go. It's not the first time I've seen this. It is quite common especially in these modern times.

I won't disagree about the control and reluctance. But how would you feel, KFC, if the parents of one of your boys' girlfriends was encouraging your son to rebel against you and your husband's authority? Would you feel they were acting biblically?

As for your comment "it is quite common especially in these modern times", KFC, I would argue it is not common ENOUGH. In our culture we too often feel like breaking away from the nest means we must abandon the wisdom of our parents and make our own way, and make all our mistakes all over. One of the advantages we have as humans is that we live long enough to impart our wisdom to future generations.

You speak as if this was a modern problem, KFC, it is not. 150 years ago, the idea of an unmarried woman moving 400 miles away from her family to be with the man she intended to marry would have been unthinkable unless she had a relative she could stay with, who could advise her and offer her a home. If anything, the parents' reluctance is more of a TRADITIONAL mindset than it is a MODERN mindset.

I know you love your children, KFC, and I know you love this young lady as well. It is obvious in your writing. But I think you should step outside of the equation for a while and ask yourself if the advice you are giving this young lady is honestly the advice you would give another couple in similar situations. I am sure your boys are decent, honorable men, KFC, but let's not forget that they are young, and are prone to making some less than wise choices. None of them are in any way above temptation. Your advice might be better received if it was at all considerate of the feelings of the parents of this girl, who, although they are not making the decisions I would make, clearly want the best for their daughter, just as you want the best for your sons.

Well she's been in communication with Mom and Dad so that is a good thing. She did all she could Gid to be respectful of them as I wrote. That's one of the reasons it took her so long to finally make this decision. She's not one to be involved in confrontation and wanted everyone to be ok here. She does honor her parents but she was ready to go out on her own. She felt she was suffocating.

Please believe me, my part was very small here but I support her entirely and still do. I do regret that it had to happen this way. Actually I moved out of my home under a similar situation as did my husband. So I'm thinking this is not totally strange here.

She is not "putting all her eggs in one basket" as this girl is; if the relationship fails, the girl is stuck in a strange city 400 miles from her extended family.

I don't see the diff if she works at a place near home or works for the same organization 7 hours away. She's not stuck. She can always go back home if she needs to but I don't think will happen. These two do seem very committed here. Also the other girl that moved 15 hours aways alone for a job I believe is worse off than this girl is.

Wouldn't it have been better to encourage the girl to continue to work with her parents and communicate with them more to prepare for the move?

Yes, and this was done and the reason it took so long. But the parents chose not to believe whatever the girl had to say nor the boy. The boy was frustrated when he talked to the Dad. The Dad would not listen and chose not to believe anything the boy had to say so the boy basically said, why bother talking to him. He believes what he wants to believe. A lot of assumptions were made that were not true.

One of the things the parents assumed was the boy was pressuring the girl to go and he was not. He was, in fact, discouraging this (in the beginning). He tried to tell the Dad this but the dad refused to listen. It got to the point where the boy just shut down and figured it did no good to discuss this issue with the Dad. He just let the Dad vent and said nothing. The boy started to see his girlfriend's situation in a new light after talking to this angry Dad.

This boy has been from what I can see very respectful here. He's a big believer in going to the Dad before proposing and plans to do so when the time is right. He just didn't want the parents pushing this to happen. Especially now, this is not the time. I think when the time is right and the boy goes to the Dad requesting his daughter's hand in marriage all will be patched up.

I find it odd, KFC, that some of the rules you encourage others to follow are rules you are more than willing to waive for those close to you. This isn't the first time I have seen this.

I would appreciate it Gid if you would expound on this. I have no idea what you mean by this.

I appreciate your comments Gid and FS. I don't think we are as far apart in our thinking as you may think. If you were here in my shoes I totally believe your eyebrows would lift and see what I see. In fact your kids are still young, you may yet.

Now, perhaps you overstated your role in that sentence

yes, this would be fair to say. Basically my part was only in the last two weeks and seeing this went on for a couple of months to a lesser extent I felt my part was minimal. Basically like I said, giving my two cents to the situation from an observational point only. I never made any calls. The calls were made to me. So I didn't really do any intervening.

You make the request for $600 for car payments and insurance sound unreasonable; but in my experience, a $400+ car payment is not that uncommon, coupled with high insurance rates for a driver under the age of 22.

all I can say here is wow!! My three boys all have cars. None have payments as they bought used cars. One just got insurance this past week and it's 400+ for the year. The other married son also has a 400+ bill he just received and my youngest on our policy has a 500+ bill (one speeding ticket). So in one month they could have the insurance paid. All are under the age of 25 so I imagine her being a girl should help somewhat. So yes 600 a month seems huge to us. Even tho no collision is included on the boy's insurance I can't really imagine that would make THAT much of a difference if they had collision, but yes I suppose this could be. It's just like I said from where we sit, it seems a bit extreme.

As for the reading the email, again, it's not that unreasonable.

well this is where we'd disagree the most. Maybe I'd agree if she was under 18. I did certain things to check on the kids under age but only if I felt there was something amiss. I never had to do it with my first born. There was no reason. But with my other two, yes, I did check on things to make sure they were kept safe. I was able to thwart a few plans along the way they still have no idea about. But after writing this, I have a hunch I'm gonna be asked....

I feel that while you are full of good advice, you seem to rationalize away when your own family doesn't follow that advice.

ahhh now I know what you're talking about. That's how you see it but no, if you ask the child involved, he would tell you we are not happy with how this pregnancy came about. "My rationalization" if you want to call it that would be from a human perspective. I only commented that I was grateful, as the mom, that it didn't happen when they were in HS and at least they were engaged to be married so it wasn't a "we have to get married type of thing." So if you call it rationalizing...so be it. But even tho it's my son, doesn't make it right. I'm a lot more objective than you give me credit for. We still are disappointed in them in that respect but will have to get over it and celebrate the new birth or it will not be a good thing. I do know they are in good shape now to be in this position and for that I am grateful. We are now in the "let's support them" mode. What else is there for us to do?

quote]I do hope all works out well for these two, KFC.

Thanks Gid. Me too and I have a hunch all will be ok in the end. I would chalk alot of this up to "growing pains."