Today it occured to me that a friend of mine may never have wanted to be a close friend at all, yet I made her the closest thing I had.
I remembered all the times she didn't come through on plans we made, and today I heard about her hanging out with my ex but not me, though she knew me longer, and gave me advice, and though we are all friends, I am hurt.
It's not my place to confront her about this, because it's not my place to tell her how to spend her time or who to spend time with.
Why didn't I see this sooner?
My first answer is to deny it all, to tell myself I'm worrying too much, that she's just busy and that she has meant nothing by all this. To remind myself that I counseled her through rape and she's not shallow enough to just shrug me off two weeks later. My next reaction is to wonder if I caused all of this, if it was something I did. Maybe it's the way I handle my relationships with guys. I wouldn't think this would affect her, but one of my friends last week referred to my ex as "the used" and has since altered my hindsight on how I feel and act in relationships, causing me to question every move I have made with a guy. Maybe she is disgusted with all my mistakes with these guys, maybe she can't deal with me anymore because she disagrees with the way I live. But could she really? The girl that has slipped up with guys, too, and always asks me for advice? Maybe she just wants me to give her advice and otherwise disappear? A foul-weather friend, is that what she wants?
Why do I do this? Maybe it's because I have never cried over another girl. No other girl gets to me like this. Only guys hurt me this deep, and sometimes dealing with her is like dealing with a guy I treasure, and it makes me question my sexuality for a split second, and then I realize that I don't lust after her, I just care alot. I have never known anyone who matters so much. When someone has a problem, I listen, think calmly, and give advice. When she has a problem, though, I cry with her as she's pouring her heart out. I hold her and let the tears fall on my shoulders, and then we both breathe and calm down, and I give her the best advice I can, and always with disclaimers and precautions, because her pain hurts me too, and if I ever advised her wrong, I wouldn't be able to face her the next day. Why does it matter?
So I decide that I should lay low, disappear, see if she tries to contact me for awhile. Test it out, see what happens. I do this every time. Every time I think things have changed, every time she gets back in touch, she disappears again. Maybe she just likes being distant? Don't I do this sometimes? But why is she so close to my ex, she isn't close to anyone else? He's lied before about more serious things, perhaps he's lying about talking to her.
Conclusion: I think too much and I need help with this one.
