I realized today just how much other people's past choices can affect another person's present life.
Most of my time spent growing up has been without a father figure. The father I have, is anything but that. He is a self-centered man, with the maturity of a seventeen year old, due to spending all the time since then drinking his life away, and getting high to forget the world he'd created for himself.. I never could trust him as a father. i still don't. I never could look to him as the daddy who would wrap me up in his arms, and tell me he loved me and that everything will be ok. One of the last times he told me that he loved me, he was drunk, and I felt like telling him off right there. Saying that if he loved me he wouldn't be doing what he's doing.
Men with promise of being a father to me have come and gone, and one in particular being one of the worst human beings I have ever met. Nothing has ever been constant in my life. Except for my mother. She is one of the strongest women I know, and I love and respect her soo much for everything she's had to deal with in the past. She is such an unbelievably courageous woman. That's why I can come to her and trust her with pretty much anything. She may not be June Cleaver, (=P) but she's supermom. she'd deny it, but in my eyes, she is. I'm so greatful to have an excellent stepfather now also, who can give my mother everything she deserves in life. However, I think that this lack of stability growing up, and this lack of a father figure during the early stages of my life has made me different than most other people.
I don't trust easily. I actually rarely even trust men who are deserving of my trust, and I have this huge fear that people I hold dear to my heart are going to leave me behind. This constant worry that I'll grow close to someone, and somehow, that bond will be broken or torn. I sat there in church today, and found myself holding on to the person next to me as tight as I possibly could, thinking that maybe if I just hold on to her, she won't disappear...
The sermon was on joy. The joy that is so incredibly lacking in my life. And I can't seem to figure out why. There's absolutely no reason for it not to be there. But this skewed image I have of what a father is has tarnished my own perception of my Heavenly Father also. Sometimes I find myself doubting God's intentions for humanity. I fear that maybe God is lying to me, just like my dad has. I see God as the self-centered man my own father is, rather than the real daddy i've always wanted, who will wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me, and he will always be there for me. I hate that I do that. I hate that I feel I can't even trust the one thing trustworthy. I hate feeling that I can't trust God with my heart. I know I can, but I don't.
