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EmperorofIceCream

Join Date 09/2004

Monsters and Puppets

Did you know that the sweat produced by pain tastes fundamentally different to any other kind of sweat? It does. It has an acid quality. Painsweat, I call it. Tears taste different too. I've licked the sweat and tears of pain from more than one body wracked by quivering and sobbing, and I know. I am a sexual sadist of considerable experience and no small talent and I am, for want of any better word, a monster.

Some one reading those words will have felt a peculiar cold chill go through her as she read, a kind of momentary vertigo. Some thing in her, something barely recognised, will have turned over in its sleep. I have a term for the women (and men) who experience that sensation: puppet.

It's not meant to be derogatory. It isn't a term of contempt. Over the years I've had nothing but respect (the kind of respect that's shown by making hair thin cuts, over and over, from the shoulder to the elbow, or in a nipple) for those I've tormented to a point where they literally could net tell the difference between orgasm and... one... more... cut. Puppets are not weak. Puppets are not stupid (most submissives, and all true Masochists, are of above average intelligence and often very successful in their chosen fields. Not all of course, but many).

No, 'puppet' is not a term of abuse. It's a term describing helpless entanglement in the strings of desire, strings that only draw tighter, cut deeper into the meat, as desire is fed. Once you find this in yourself, there's no escaping it. No therapy that can overcome or 'cure' it. No redemption that can cover or blot out whatever human stain it is that drives desire in the first place.

Once you taste this, it belongs to you and you belong to it - forever.

And we know each other, we recognise each other, we monsters and puppets. We are drawn together somehow, we find each other in the dark. And when we do we make it darker still. Every encounter I've had since I began my first tentative explorations has been marked by a sense of complete inevitability. I can say of all of them that something in me knew I would find them, just as they knew they would find me, and that each successive encounter has been more cruel than the last, like black waters risig to drown the light of unbelief in the eyes of the women who've bucked and sobbed, moaned and screamed and wept under my hands.

Unbelief in what? Not unbelief that anyone could do such things. All they had to do was look in my eyes to know that I could and would. No. Unbelief in unspeakable levels of pleasure. Just as many of the screams I've elicited have been driven by orgasm as by pain.

They've kissed the whip I've beaten them with, after. Some even did so voluntarily.

We're all of us in love with our sickness, our monstrosity, and none of us care. The disease is better than health and much, much, fiercer.

How did I learn to love what I am, to take delight in it? By being it, honestly. By doing it, and contemplating it, and learning from it, and then doing it some more, to a greater degree, with greater precision and control, by letting the lust for it and the frenzy it breeds (in me its cold, the inside of my head feels like its a block of ice in there and if I were to weep I'd weep icicles) drive me some place beyond the furthest horizon that anyone reading this is likely to know, somewhere else, on the other side of everything.

You might ask why I'm telling you this. In part because of something foreverserenity wrote (Link), because it started me thinking. In part because I've always liked having an audience. In part because, as in that Old Time Religion, I'm sometimes possessed by the urge to testify.

Somewhere, a puppet is reading this and feeling... something... shift and stir.

Sweet dreams, puppet.

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Nope, I like music spiked with pain, but pleasure is my aeroplane. Pleasure, pleasure, sweet delicious pleasure. Power's not a turn on for me (being on either side of it), and pain in bed doesn't do anything but make me change to a better position.

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To Spc Nobody special:

Not everyone is as lucky as I am.

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P.S. You're Simon? I didn't know. Now I have to imagine the whole thing in a sinister British accent. Nice to meet ya. Try not to cut overly deep, okay? I like to keep the blogger friends that I've got. Let finale be be seem, to the only emperor I bid you goodnight, I've got to be up early.

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To Spc Nobody special:

Try not to cut overly deep, okay?

Ok. And I'm only sinister in the bedroom:)

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Hmm, interesting post....

Thanks for the comment.

~Sarah

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I felt a stirring...

and it felt GOOOD!!

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I knew I was right!

Though I know you don't consider the word "monster" a derogative term.

I felt a stirring too, kinda like the one LW had at Waffle House, but more of a coming up and not down.

Ok here is the deal with me on this and then I am done (hopefully). I am gonna say it straight out and not pepper this with "in my opinion" every sentence. So this is my opinion, right or wrong.

Reading this I get this mental picture of you about 80 years old, all tired and wrinkled and beating an old woman who is sagging and bent. It's kinda like a too big boob job or a tatoo that is so necessary when you get it ,and then when you are old and see yourself, you begin to see the light so to speak, or at least how foolish you must have appeared to everyone at the time. Because truth be told I doubt there are a whole lot of S and M things going on in the 65 and older crowd.

So what does that mean? To me, it means this IS NOT a part of you. It is NOT at the core of who you are....though monster you may be, it is a self described title that will stand on its own even without this sexual deviation, or not.

Do you wanna know what I "see" when I read your stuff? I see a man who called out to God and didn't get an answer he liked. So he set about making himself a sort of god. He made the whole world about him and how far he can go to hurt someone. And while thinking he is in total control of it, has in fact become so ensnared he can't walk away...can't even think of walking away. And the entire time convinced it is because he chooses it.

It seems to me anyone can cause pain, its restraint that takes real power. Even the lowest form of animal can cause pain, but restraint when inflicting pain is desired, that is control.

As for the description of cutting whipping, etc etc. I think that is your way of getting a secondary "release" by shocking people. You admit your partner has unbelief in her eyes and sound as if you enjoy that somewhat, so it is not so far a jump to believe you get a secondary pleasure telling your tales.

So in the end I don't see you as some powerful being or even a powerful human being. I see you as a slave to your lust, a very base and uncomplicated sensation. A slave to something, that had you proper perspective, you would find laughable. A slave to something that will keep you in bondage for as long as you remain blinded by it. It has you buying expensive accutraments, that had the money been saved for instance, would put you one day closer to escaping the neighborhood that brings such grief to your wife.

Now I do believe that you have a heart for God. CALL ME CRAZY but you said in one of your blogs you called out to Him. I would suggest that the very ABILITY to do that, to just call out to Him, well is an ability to let your heart go there.

I think if you ever do decide to turn your heart toward Christ and come home, we (the family of God) will be all the more blessed with your presence, wit, humor, and experience. And I would PAY to hear your testimony....because if you are ever freed from this stronghold, you will have enough experienced education to teach the rest of us for years.

I don't envy your journey. It seems like a life wasted to have a "head of ice" and be such a slave to your dick. But that too will pass because eventually the ol boy ain't gonna be what it used to be and then what? I don't see too many arthritic old ladies lining up to be beaten......

Now this is my take on it....and it may not be right, but then again I wouldn't expect you to tell me if it is.

See I actually DO agree with forever on one point. While you are a monster now, you don't always have to be, there IS a way out when the darkness seems too much to bare. When you honestly look at your desire and see instead of controlling it, it is consuming you.

As for me reading anymore of your blogs. I will read until I get to this I cut her, I whip her blah blah blah. Then I am gonna click off. Not because I don't care but because in all of this I have to save the clarity of my mind and focus.

(See I like LW and I find myself wanting good things for her. She says you are that and more. But as much as I respect her, I disagree. I think she has some sort of self loathing to allow herself to be beaten, cut and raped by any man. And I think as her husband you should be seeing to helping her address those things instead of hurting her. But that is my take on life, I get that.)

This is like black ink in my brain. And I find when I fill my brain often with ink I become less conscious of it, desensitized if you will. And then the light starts to fade and after awhile I wonder what ever bothered me about it in the first place. I become numb to the monster in you and start thinking you are just a misunderstood nice guy. To my detriment and really to yours as well.

So I will do the only thing I can do. I will pray that God enters boldly into your "bedroom" every time you strike your wife. That he brings a horde of angels to release you from the bondage you do not see and guard your heart and mind well. That he unfreezes that terrible block of black ink and opens your mind to His will for your life....that the monster that lives inside you will be released, truly released for all time, not just the few moments of release you get in hurting people.

That you will come home. And I pray this all in the name of Jesus.

When you stop smirking I want to tell you something else.

Are you done?

How about now????
.....

......
Almost????

(checks watch)

(wags foot)

Ok. Thanks for helping me understand something I really never understood before. I have glimpsed in your writing a man who has a heart for God...though he denies it vehemently. The fact you are able to LOVE gives me hope for you...though I know, you don't care about that. But I am now examining my life for strongholds and I can tell you something, I've found them, a plenty.

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Thanks for the links, I will def check them out. And I will do it later because right now I am washing the windows to the house....BARF......but I will read both the links before I respond anymore.

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Wow, once again you leave me speechless Simon! And searching for words to express myself with clarity!

You were quite descriptive in your visual depictions of how you consider yourself to be, the monster and who you consider the puppets.

Having seen these kinds of acts before, yep, on video...on HBO...I can "see" what you're saying and I can understand your need to "testify" because it's that part of you that wants to be known, publicly! I still won't be condemning of you because I understand somewhat your need to be this way. I won't try to go into your phycic trying to decipher that which you probably don't care for me to khow and I won't even because I would be guessing. But this most certainly aptly says a lot more about you and it doesn't make me like you less.

And Tonya, I see your views and understand them. I've got to run though. Will return later.

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Ok LW I read his article and responded on it.......do you want to make this one the primary?

I'm off to read yours now!

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Just read your post LW and thank you for making it more understandable. I think your explanation is better for me personally because it is not so detached. The tone of Simon's (if I may call him that) blog was so blase' he coulda been talking about why horses are better bred in Kentucky!

First I'd like to know what town in Ohio you were talking about that didn't want the ice cream truck!

Also, I get it from your perspective. Not the whole S/M thing, I'm never gonna understand that, but who cares? I get HOW you came to be with Simon, HOW you came to accept your choices. HOW you understand yourself to be. I get it. I don't think its very healthy in the long run....but that's my opinion and you know what they say about those.....

And just a little off topic......when you said you and Simon drove an ice cream truck and we are talking about S/M....well can you imagine the pictures that started flashing in my head! Buwhahahaha. That is hilarious, it could be a SNL skit!

Ok, I am over it, but still giggling a little bit.

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Here is my response to EofI's blog, I'm copying it here so we can stay on one blog...for some reason JU isn't updating for me today and I have to dig through all the old stuff to find things.

Ok I saw it...and read it two times.

Before I respond I want you to understand something about me. I am a mom and wife but as a career path chose journalism, because I am at heart someone who loves to find the truth (especially of something hidden in BS). You already know my faith beliefs. I did not grow up in a Christian home, nor have I always been a Christian. I used some of the training I received in college and life and set about investigating different religions and chose Christianity because at the base of it, the facts stand. But that is a blog for another time.

Anyway, in my profession we have a saying, "The truth stands on its own." If you ever have to explain it (outside of connecting it with another fact) then its probably not solid. Of course you have to keep in mind this is for JOURNALISM. However, in my experience, I find it applies to most every day common sense things as well.

So here is my personal take on your article.

Hogwash.

I won't go line by line because I don't have the time...so lets sum it up and you correct me if I am wrong.

You beat, cut and rape LW because it is your nature. LW is a slave because it is in her nature. You must be true to your nature to have peace. And all the other words are your rationalization/explanations of your natures and how implausible it is to expect you to do anything but obey them.

Is that right?

For example, dominant or submissive, if you follow your nature then you are obedient to it. It defines your actions and controls you. If you are not obedient then you are disciplined with no peace. So by your definition a person's nature IS always dominant, whether they obey it or not...because when they don't it makes them pay with NO PEACE. Is that about right?

Now I admit this is pretty virgin territory for me so I may not be reading this just right.

I say hogwash for a few reasons. First of all, it is my nature to be unforgiving. I can say that its my nature because most of the women in my mon's family struggle with the exact same thing.

Now lets say my neighbor wrecks my car and I get mad. In my anger my "nature" is in control of ME....it is dominating me, and frankly I know from experience unforgiveness HURTS me, so my nature then is to hurt myself. Yet when I rebuke that "nature" and by an act of will forgive her, I am no longer hurting myself, and my "nature" is no longer dominating me, and therefore hurting me. Do I want to forgive her? Probably not. But I know from experience when I let my "nature" control things, I get self-destructive. Does my nature give me "peace" when I forgive her....no, it screams and throws a big fit. But I don't give in because I won't be controlled by my "nature."

Second, my nature (and yours) are liars. I may truly think something is in my nature and act on it, only to find it is not enough, I need more. Lets say its in my nature to eat chocolate. (It really is I tell ya!) Well, if I feed my nature all it wants..what happens? SELF DESTRUCTION in the form of clogged arteries and a fat ass. But no matter how much chocolate I eat it will never satisfy my nature. And once again my nature is in control.

I would think someone who finds control such a turn on would be turned off by the threat of "no peace" if he doesn't follow his "nature."

It seems inconsistent to me...and therefore hogwash.

I submit that if everyone acted on their natures the world wouldn't be fit to live in. And that in itself is as good a reason as any to control your nature and not let it control you.

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Ok EOI, I have done a little digging (just a little as my 2 year old is parked on my lap for some reason today) and found out some things I did not know before.

S/M is no longer classified in the DSM as a personality disorder, since way back in the 80's.

As I read (and I looked at a few Christian sites on the issue, and a few gay sights on the issue, a few criminal sights on the issue, and yes a few s/m sites on the issue). Whew.

But all pretty much said the same thing believe it or not, except the Christian sites of course. Anyway the gist is, I AM ABNORMAL because I musta had my head in the sand all these years. It seems in what I found that the world accepts this as a perfectly normal outlet for sex. However, they all get a bit flim flammy when it comes to actually drawing blood....or causing permenant damage.

I read about a "safe word." Most of the articles I read described this as "role playing." Is that what it is?

Setting aside the fact I think physically harming your wife is morally wrong, I called "hogwash" because I didn't believe there was anyway you could believe what you wrote and limit it to just your bedroom and just your wife. For example, you said you hate women with the same intensity you lust after them. How then do you move with such ease in your work center? In society with all the women who want no part of s/m? This was confusing to me until I read some "independent" (of you or me) research/commentary.

Role playing. I get that. I was in theatre in college, ALPHA PSI OMEGA!! (Sorry that just kinda comes out whenever I talk about my theatre days...hehe) And I know what it is to get wrapped up in role playing.

Anyway, that is way off topic. I still don't understand it and I still think it is weird. But obviously I've had my head in the sand since the 80's and pfft......well......pffft.

I must go to bed now. I am so tired I can barely sit here and type this. My son is sick and hasn't slept in 4 nights and I am soooooooooo tired.

Tomorrow I promise to stick my head back in the sand!

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An EXCELLENT movie that addresses the topic in a sensitive, non-pornographic, and non sensational way is out on DVD. It's called "Secretary."

I've seen this movie, starring James Spader. It was an interesting film that is worth watching for those who want to understand more. It usually comes on the Oxygen network, channe 64 in my area. It was shown again a couple of weeks ago.

Tonya, I'm not going to try to respond to what I can't, only Simon and Whip can do that. From your response though, and this is not a criticism, you won't understand what they do, no matter how much explanation they give you. While what they do is not for me personally, I understand at a certain level, perhaps because I've been exposed to that type of lifestyle indirectly. You say you weren't aware of all the going ons, a lot of people choose not to see things that don't interest them and nothing wrong with that. Except that you won't be aware of everything that is out in this world of ours.

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To Tova7:

Ok here is the deal with me on this and then I am done (hopefully). I am gonna say it straight out and not pepper this with "in my opinion" every sentence. So this is my opinion, right or wrong.

in the same spirit I'm going to reply to that entire posting in the way I used to in chat when confronted with someone who accused me of living an inauthentic and impossible lifestyle - 'you're so right' - (ignore).

Not that I'm going to ignore you actually, and not that you are not entitled to your opinion - but it's of no interest to me whether you think me to be inauthentic or not, nor have I any interest in persuading you otherwise. I live as I live, my desires are what they are. You deal with me on my terms, not yours.

Some things you raised I'll respond to however.

Reading this I get this mental picture of you about 80 years old, all tired and wrinkled and beating an old woman who is sagging and bent. It's kinda like a too big boob job or a tatoo that is so necessary when you get it ,and then when you are old and see yourself, you begin to see the light so to speak, or at least how foolish you must have appeared to everyone at the time.

You think wrinkled heterosexuals having sex don't look ridiculous? Imagine how you'll look giving a blowjob to your husband at 75... And I think you'd be astonished to discover just how many 'seniors' remain actively involved in S&M.

Do you wanna know what I "see" when I read your stuff? I see a man who called out to God and didn't get an answer he liked.

You should read the other blogs I've posted on the topic of religion. The position you advocate my taking up is one I occupied for nearly fifteen years. I was a born-again, charismatic, pentecostal Christian for more than a decade. I prophesied, I healed. I still speak in tongues. I wasn't merely a convinced believer, I was an ardent zealot. I went on the Marches for Jesus. I fed and bathed street-people in my home, I was one of those crazy jesus-people out on the street telling you to repent. And so on. I have been where you want me to be. And I have moved on.

It's proving difficult to use quote at the minute (even to c/p). You make mention of 'darkness being to much to bear' - let me respond in terms you'll be familiar with. This yoke is easier than Christ's and less soul-destroying.

But of course, that's only my opinion.

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He also wanted me to tell FS that He's not ignoring her

K! Whenever he gets around to it.

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