When you spend as much time on the road as I do you are sensitive to the price of gasoline. I have recently noted with alarm a great deal of apprehension about escalating prices. I have also noticed lots of other people who share my concern. Recently, I have been receiving lots of email calling for a boycott of gasoline on this date or that date. If I understand the boycott correctly you are suppose to avoid buying gas on the day of the boycott so that you buy it the day before or the day after, and I am unclear as to how this hurts the oil companies. For those planning such boycotts, it might do better to buy your gas from small independent stations all the time if you really wish to make a difference but that is beside the point.
I have also formulated some ways to save gasoline, let me first say that these are my ideas alone and have not been officially or unofficially endorsed by anyone including the editor of this newspaper. Nor are they anything that you should actually try yourself unless you are a professional humor writer. In which case, if there is a need for a replacement let me know. Anyway here are my suggestions:
1. Turn off the engine when you coast downhill. Sure most modern cars lock their steering wheels when you kill the engine but just think of that as making it more adventurous.
2. On alternate days of the week stay home. Not only will this make the traffic lighter for the rest of us, but it will also help create more job openings as you try to explain to your boss why you did not go into work.
3. Buy a more gas efficient car. There are new hybrid cars out there which have been produced by crossbreeding electric and gasoline powered cars, the exact procedure for this is unclear and not appropriate for family newspapers.
4. Widen highway 720 to prevent us sitting in traffic for what seems like hours twice a day. I read recently that the state had no plans to do this before the year 2011 so it falls on us to do it ourselves. I figure if each of us buys one bag of cement a week and dumps it on the side of the road during rainstorms we should have new lanes to drive on in no time.
5. Buy a llama for your grandmother to ride to the store. This will lower her gas bill significantly and increase the supply of gas for the rest of us.
6. Use mass transit. This is a bit inconvenient for those of us that live in Little Elm since there is no bus or train system locally. Still, with persistence and hard work I have managed to transit my mass to work everyday and you can too.
7. I read somewhere that a guy in California used left over cooking oil that he bought from fast food restaurants to power his car. The only drawback apparently was the strong smell of French fries. I tried this myself but because of my passion for fast food, I gained fifty pounds.
8. Park further from your job. If you work in downtown Dallas, try parking in Carrollton. You will enjoy the walk.
9. Combine trips. Instead of making separate trips try doing everything on one trip, the shopping, doctor visits, funeral arrangements, etc.
10. Finally, let’s work on alternative energy sources such as: beagle howl power, gassy-teenage-boy power, and politician blowing hot air power.
