After that rainy June afternoon, I looked at life in a different light. I let my guard down. I was no longer concerned with creating an image. I felt free and awakened. I stopped giving a shit about what other people thought. It was time to let life live itself. I found the statement, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans," to be my mantra. I was 16 and had the world on a string and it was thanks to one person in my life-Ryan.
Ryan and I spent every day together during the summer of 1998. Well, almost every day. My family had planned a vacation to Virginia Beach that year. I remember the night before I left. By that time Ryan and I were infatuated with each other and we had a tearful hug and kiss filled goodbye outside of a local movie theater. He said he'd call me the day I got back.
That year my family vacation was miserable. First off, I got my period. The act of being crammed into a hotel suite with your mom, dad, and brother during that time of the month was just not fun. Actually, it down right sucked. I didn't even feel like going into the water. While my family went out to explore, I just sat there on the balcony, wishing to see Ryan. He was all I thought about. He was all I dreamed about. The whole time I just wanted to be back in Ohio, in his arms, dreaming and talking about how the world works.
The week went by fast and by no time we were in the car, heading back to Ohio. The car ride had really wiped me out and the second we arrived at home, I sacked out. I had this dream about the phone ringing. As I went to go pull it off the reciever, I awoke, doing what I had dreamed about--picking the phone up. In a groggy state I pulled the phone to my ear.
"Hello?" I said not exactly sure why I was answering the phone.
"Hey Alison!"
It was Ryan. Now in all my life nothing has ever happened like that....How surreal. After all, he did promise that he would call the very day I got back.
Anyways, as soon as we began to chat, my father picked up the phone and told me that midnight was too late to be talking. I felt a little embarassed. Ryan and I quickly made plans to go see eachother that next day.
That was basically my life during the summer of 1998. It was the summer dedicated to Ryan. The summer dedicated to the one I "loved". We spent hours goofing around and being silly. The other hours of the day were spent figuring out how each other worked, sexually. Ahh yes, who could forget their horny teenage years?! Everyone always holds a special place in their heart for the person who taught them how the opposite sex worked, and Ryan happened to be the guy to do that.
We would do our thing just about anywhere. In the car, in the woods behind my house, at his house (sometimes while his mom was home), at the movies, and in the park. I recall one day at a local swimming hole that we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We thought we were definately ready to do the big deed. People were even starting to stare. We decided that we needed to take our party of passion elsewhere. We began to drive. I had never had sex with anyone, but I knew I was ready. Although I was really comfortable with Ryan, I was still nervous about doing the big deed. I think it was more fear of the unknown than anything. I put my fears on hold. I told him to pull in the first deserted parking lot he could find. Even though he was driving, we still couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. Then he found it and began to pull in.
"St. Mary's Catholic Church," I began to read.
"Are you sure you want to do this here?" He questioned.
"I don't know," I said giggling at the idea that we were thinking about having sex in a freaking Catholic Church parking lot!
"Screw it..." he said as we began to head for the back seat.
We began to kneck and undress each other. I couldn't believe what I was about to do. I thought about all of those long hours I put in at CCD class. This for sure would be the ultimate sin! Just think about it. Here we were, two unwed teenagers, performing sexual acts in the freaking parking lot of Christ! This would for sure be my ticket into hell. Just as I had that thought, ACDC's Highway to Hell came on the radio.
I paniced.
"We really can't do this here!" I said in panic mode.
"That's fine, we'll just find somewhere else to hang out."
We drove around in silence. Was it the moment of passion that took it out of us? Was he pissed because I didn't feel like putting out in the Holy parking lot? I eventually just told him to take me home. We pulled into my driveway and just sat there and began to snicker about what we almost did! To this day I still can't believe that almost happened. I almost lost my virginity in a church parking lot!
July came and went, and before I knew it, it was August. It was time for marching band to start. Normally, I would be excited about the whole thing, but marching band camp meant morning time not spent with Ryan. We still managed to cram our afternoons full of each other. Even though we knew what almost happened in that church parking lot, it was never discussed. We just knew we wanted it to happen with each other.
One day after I was sick and tired of not seeing him, I decided to ditch an evening marching band rehearsal. We ended up walking around the park, no making out, just talking. We sat on a bench, laughing and joking about life. We then wandered back to his car. Immediately, the passion returned and we were all over each other. I knew that this was going to be the time. It felt right. We knew what to expect. He was on top of me, kissing me everywhere, then all of the sudden....he stopped. He freaked. He admitted that he wasn't ready to do this. I just had this look of suprise on my face. I didn't say anything. I had talked myself into being ready for the "real" moment and yet, he questioned our love for eachother. I didn't know what to feel. I was hurt and confused. We sat there holding eachother, looking into one another's eyes, living in the moment. It was then I realized that love was the most confusing, yet powerful force in the world.
That evening when Ryan dropped me off, he told me to give him a call in a couple days. He said that he was going to visit some relatives. I did just so. I waited, and called. There was no answer, so I left a message on his machine. A couple days had passed and he didn't call me back. This was unlike him. He always returned my phone calls. I dialed the number, and once again, and got the machine. A week had passed, still no Ryan. I was starting to panic. I called again. This time his mom picked up and said he was busy. I told her to tell him that it was important for him to call me back. Another week passed, and still, no Ryan. Week two, still no Ryan.
Before I knew it, August was said and done, and it was September. It had been a month since I heard from Ryan. It had been a month since we held eachother, since we kissed, since we were in "love." I was miserable. I had put myself out on the line for him, ready to expose my soul, yet, he ditched me. He left me, and I had no explaination. I thought several times about writing him a letter. I wanted to know why he decided to pull the plug. I wanted him to know what he meant to me and that I was miserable without him.
After that Summer,I swore to myself that I would never ever fall in love. I was disgusted with it. I was disgusted with people. I became jaded with the idea of dating. In a flash, I had built up a wall, swearing that I would never let it down for anyone.
