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Join Date 10/2004

Straight Men Again - Male Ego & Polygamy (Revised)

I just looked at an article that criticized heterosexual men for being upset thinking that homosexual men were attracted to them (personally, if what I've seen and heard is true, the perceptions of heterosexuals aren't always unwarrented). While this has nothing to do with homosexuals or homosexuality, I thought it made an interesting point about the male ego:

...The merits of polygamy versus monogamy have been debated for thousands of years. Both sides normally assume that men, of course, like polygamy. So, they simply clash over whether polygamy is in the best interests of wives. In reality, however, polygamy victimizes men. You never hear about it because few men want to claim this particular kind of victimhood: that of the sexual rejectee.

I've been following accounts of polygamous societies ever since I saw an article in the early 1980s about a Kenyan man with 150 wives. It set the template for every first-hand description of polygamy that I've read since. The reporter diligently interviewed the youngest wife, who thought polygamy was terrific since it allowed her to marry the richest, handsomest, and most respected man in her village.

He also quoted the oldest wife, who was nostalgic for the days when she didn't have to share her husband with this army of younger wives. Nonetheless, she appreciated her status as her husband's chief of staff. She had 10 senior wives reporting to her, who each oversaw the work of about 14 junior wives as they toiled in their husband's fields. The husband, not surprisingly, thought industrial-scale polygamy was an all-around great idea and recommended that all men should marry multiple wives.

Anti-polygamists would argue, with some justice, that feelings of gender equality are impossible in a family where, simply to prevent anarchy, the man must organize his wives like a military unit with himself as the commanding general.

Pro-polygamists, in contrast, would note that the husband and the junior wives strongly approved of polygamy, while the older wives acquired enough consolations in status to at least find it a mixed blessing. So, since it doesn't hurt anybody badly, who could object?

But who's missing from this picture? Isn't there somebody else affected? This reporter, like all I've seen since him, forgot the existence of the people who were most definitely damaged by polygamy: namely, the 149 guys who didn't get a wife at all because Mr. Marriage-Minded had married 150. I have been looking in vain for 20 years for an article about polygamy that mentioned that for one man to take a second wife means, in the normal course of things, that another man will get no wife at all.

I have come to believe that this blind spot stems from it being virtually impossible for a man to imagine himself as one of the 149 losers, rather than the one big winner. He might prefer one wife to 150, but his male ego can't allow him to identify with all the men who end up rejected and alone. This psychological quirk creates a reality distortion field in the heads of men. Demography is not the sexiest of the social sciences, but one demographic fact that just about everybody knows is that among marriage-aged people there are almost exactly as many men as women. Indeed, among people between the ages of 15 and 64 in the world as a whole, there are 102 men for every 100 women, according to the "CIA World Factbook." Yet, men who favor polygamy almost never believe this basic constant of demographics...

from an article by Steve Sailer (excerpt near the end)

I thought polygamy was a cool concept sitting in my anthropology classes in college. Then I met the woman who would become my wife, and I realized that every second I'd spend with another woman was a second I would not spend with her. It radically altered my thoughts on polygamy.

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Very interesting. I've always felt that if they all consented to it, I wouldn't bother anyone about polygamy (in case this is worded confusingly, I know it is illegal). However, I know I could never do it.

I suppose people really don't think about the man who won't get the girl because of polygamy. But I don't think it is simply limited to males. I'm sure women who support polygamy don't really realize that they won't have as much time with their husband as they'd like.

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NJForever, I just revised the article to include the original article. But looking over your response, it wouldn't seem to make a difference.

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hmm what makes you think that all gay males are polygamous?

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hmm what makes you think that all gay males are polygamous?

This article has nothing to do with homosexuality. It's about the male ego.

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Then I met the woman who would become my wife, and I realized that every second I'd spend with another woman was a second I would not spend with her. It radically altered my thoughts on polygamy.

Or she altered your face perhaps? Just kidding.

Very interesting. I had never thought of it that way. Given my life experiences, I dont see myself every trying for polygamy. I guess I am, as you are now, too wrapped up emotionally with one woman. But I had never thought of the 149 men that got left out. I doubt that anyone has.

We should have seen that coming, what with Seals and lions practicing it, and the left out males generally being juvenile delinquents.

Gives one a lot more to think about now.

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Or she altered your face perhaps? Just kidding.

Ha!

It just dawned upon me that I'd rather have the grand prize than a thousand consolation prizes.

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while polygamy might work well for this man, in his country, as a part of his culture, it would be very difficult to pull off in America. Aside from the fact that women in America are generally VERY independent, there's that little part about us men having a hard enough time keeping one woman happy, how in the HELL would we be able to keep more than one happy...

remember that superbowl commercial w/ Cedric the Entertainer in it? where he was trying to decide what to take w/ him if he was stranded on an island?

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"I just looked at an article that criticized heterosexual men for being upset thinking that homosexual men were attracted to them"

The whole "gaydar" thing in reverse. I've seen several Lesbians that have been very attractive to me. The idea that gay men aren't attracted to straight men is silly.

As for it being upsetting, well, locker rooms are sensitive places... we drop stuff...

Re:polygamy, I think men who want it don't want multiple wives, they just want a harem. If you look at polygamist culture in America, it's pretty obvious that those women aren't "equal" in any sense of the word.

"I have come to believe that this blind spot stems from it being virtually impossible for a man to imagine himself as one of the 149 losers, rather than the one big winner."

The author needs to look into Polyandry, a very real phenomenon as well, and one that might balance his equation more. As long as some women have harems as well, it would all balance out.

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