I've been thinking. Actually I've been thinking a lot lately.
Why do people pick on themselves? Why do they say such horrible things to them? They think that everybody is better than them and that they're just a speck of dirt compared to everybody else.
Heh, I know I'm guilty of it. In fact, guilty of it this very moment. But maybe not in the same way. I don't really think I've said that everyone is better than myslef. It's more along the lines of me not being such a good person. And I feel really bad about it. The other night at the dance I wasn't crying because I was mad at anyone. Because I really wasn't mad. I know half of the people thought that I was mad at both of the Alex's. But I wasn't. The only person that I was mad at was me, and me only. I guess I'm really unsure about where I stand right now.
I'm confused on what to think about myself. I try talking to God every night. I sometimes find myself praying for two hours. Of course I repeat myself a lot. But it seems that no matter how hard I pray or how long I pray that nothing is happening, and my prayers will never be answered. I know that God is listening to me. But it doesn't feel like he wants to help me. I know that Sarah keeps telling me to continue praying. And I do. She says that God will soon answer me. That it all just takes time. I hope she's right. I hope that what she tells me will happen. And I don't want people to go thinking that I'm mad at people when really I'm mad at myself. It's kinda like one of those things where I have to have something to myself. Like I'm some greedy little 3yr old that doesn't want to share her toys. And the only person that I'm really jealous of is myself. I hear that I'm pretty, and beautiful and all that stuff all of the time. But sometimes it's not what I think or even feel like. I don't know if I really am that beautiful or not. Sometimes people will make me feel like I'm beautiful, but am I really. I guess this is kind of why I feel like a bad person. I don't really know anymore.....
~carebear~
