I have issues. I have issues with authority. I've always had the tendency to go right when someone says left, and have always wanted to push when people pulled.
That's one thing I'm struggling with right now; and have struggled with my whole life. I've been put in Christian schools where I feel the need to go against everything the teachers say. I understand there has to be structure, but even for the few months I had two classes in school, I skipped. I've had legalism hanging over me my entire life. Some may call it a covering, but I call it legalism. And it feels like they want us all to come out the same. I wouldn't really consider myself a rebel, although I'm sure some people think differently. I consider myself an individual. One of the things that's kept me going through the legalism and pressure to "follow the rules" that I've grown up with and been surrounded by, is the fact that I'm soon an adult, out on my own, able to make my own decisions.
I have a strong sense of self and who I am in God. I have strong convictions and beliefs. I try to make decisions based on what is right in God's eyes. I know I have free will and that God won't stop me from doing anything. I think that's what keeps me close to Him: the fact that I can do anything, but it's my choice not to. (1 Corinthians 6:12 says, "Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial.")
While applying to many of the Christian colleges I applied to, I've had to sign "pledges" and "covenents" saying I won't do this or that. Anything from drinking (even if you're of age), to watching rated R movies to dancing to premarital sex. Like I said, one thing that's kept me going is knowing that soon I'll be free to make my own decisions. Somehow, it doesn't really feel like it, though.
I have standards. As a Christian, I have morals. I'm not going to have sex until I'm married, but telling me that I can't just demeans the fact that I won't. God is my authority and my final judge. My parents are my authority, ordained by God.
I really believe the only reason it's been so easy for me to obey my parents is because they haven't set up tons of rules for me. That haven't put me in the position where I feel I need to do opposite of what they say. I know they're working with me and they have allowed me to be my own person.
As an adult, I shouldn't be told that I can't watch The Patriot or Pretty Woman. I shouldn't be told that dancing is sinful and isn't permissible. I shouldn't be told that I can't have a glass of wine if I want, especially if I'm 21. And, I shouldn't have to be told not to have sex before I'm married.
Even if some of the rules they have are in line with what God says, being an adult, I should know them by now and be able to make my own decisions. I want to know that doing the right thing is my choice, not a decision being made for me. Putting these rules on me only makes me want to rebel and do the opposite. I'm not even sure if this is human nature anymore. Maybe it's just my nature. Maybe it's immature and childish, but I take pride in being my own person and making my own decisions.
Bottom line is that I'm worried I'll like these colleges and want to go to one. Why is that so bad, you might wonder? Because I'll feel the need to go against what they say. I don't think I could handle being who they want me to be. Of course I could go and do what I want, risking getting kicked out, which I've considered being fine with. I wouldn't mind it so much, but I'd much rather be in an environment where I make my decisions and rule my life. I'm finally realizing how much better it would be to be somewhere where I can work with people and not against them. I'm tired of the resentment I feel towards legalistic people. I'm tired of people trying to make decisions for me. If we're paying 20-some thousand a year, I want it to be in a place I want to be.
Sometimes I hate how I am. But, in the end I suppose I can conclude that I choose to be this way. So I must like it a little. I hate that I want to rebel because it makes everything more difficult. But, at the same time, I love the fact that I can be who I want to be and not worry what other people think. I love the fact that I'm comfortable in my skin and comfortable with who I am.
As an adult, shouldn't I be able to make decisions myself?
~Sarah
