The other night I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself of the pressure I was feeling in my bladder, the aftermath resulting from the consumption of 4 cups of coffee. I made my way towards the urinal (sorry Brits and Aussies, not sure if they're called something different in your backward's lands) and began a routine that I had engaged in since I had been able to pee at my own will.
MISSION #1 - PROVIDE ROUTE FOR UNDERWEAR CONTENTS THROUGH OUTERWEAR: I unbuckled my belt, unzipped my pants, and unbuttoned the top button of my pants.
MISSION #1 STATUS: COMPLETE.
MISSION #2 - RETRIEVE CONTENTS OF UNDERWEAR: I placed my right hand over the waistband of my underwear and pushed the waistband downward until I had full access to my genitalia. My right hand then proceeded to cup the necessary equipment and aim it towards the urinal while preventing the waistband from pinching off any main urine pipelines. I tend to use the fingers below, thumb on top technique.
MISSION #2 STATUS COMPLETE.
MISSION #3 - PEE, SHAKE, AND RETURN TO BASE: A steady stream began to flow out of my urethra as the sound of relief "ahhhhhhhhh" left my mouth. MISSION #3 STATUS: COMPLETE.
WARNING: Sweeping assumption ahead. Now typically when women need access to their genitalia there is not much variation in how each woman retrieves their genitals from below their clothing for everyday uses such as using the bathroom, sexual relations, bathing, or retrieving the remote control. But there is not this sort of consistency in men. The scene I have described above is not typical of all males. In fact, I'm not even sure if it describes a majority of standing urinating procedure for human males. The possible variation is the result of a key variable: The Underwear Flap.
The following discussion, while possibly interesting to all men, will not include those who use their God given right to go through their day without underwear, who go "free-ballin," "Comando," etc.. Instead it will include those who wear boxers, tighty-whiteys, boxer-breifs, etc.. Thongs or other so-called male lingerie likely doesn't apply.
Men, please gaze down at the region where your legs meet. Doing so will probably reveal one of the following scenes. Many of you may be viewing a layer of clothing underneath which one may find their underwear...we'll call such coverings "Overwear" for such purposes. Male Overwear may take on traditional names like Slacks, Pants, Jeans, Shorts, Kilts, Sweats, Chaps, Tutus, etc.. Overwear often has a trap door on the front similar to that in women's designed to provide the male with easier access to their manhood via their underwear, or perhaps designed to provide a sexual partner easier access to a male's manhood.
As the beginning of this article noted, I do not generally use the trap door of my underwear. Exceptions occur such as when I am snowboarding and need to get through a number of layers to locate my humbly sized penis which has become even more humble in the cold weather.
I should point out that occasionally you'll find a man who dons clothing with a front and rear trap door. Such a garment is usually red in color and covers the entire body as a single underwear suit, "long-johns," as they're often referred. Such men should be avoided as it is likely you'll only find them in the bayou carrying a double-barreled shotgun screaming "Git off my property!"
While I always found underwear flaps to be a nice backup when other methods fail, or at best, a fun little novelty, I never found them particularly useful or user friendly. I found that when I did use them the flap would be stretched out and my undercarriage would venture out of the flap without my consent providing for friction that could be described as anything but pleasurable. However, following discussions with Reddirty, SameOldRat and a few other friends cursed with penises I was led to believe that many men use the front flap with some regularity. I wonder just how many JU men use theirs.
Merry Christmas,
Suspeckted
