I hate self-help books. I hate them so much that it’s almost pathological. I hate them so much that when I see people reading them, I want to yell at them for prostituting their literacy.

They are insipid things, creeping up on people, pretending to offer the answers to lifes’ problems, yet containing little more than some words arranged in a way that gives the illusion that the author may have some vague idea about how to ‘fix’ things.

The myriad of titles available astound me. Their stupidity annoys me so much that I am all but ready to give up one of my most pleasurable pastimes, (the ‘bookshop wander’), in order to avoid the horrible sight of yet another turd trying to pretend they have the answer.

(What’s the fugging question ? That’s what I want to know).

Aside from being patronising and prolific, these self-help books also have a dangerous tendency to relieve the reader of any sense of responsibility for their ‘situation’. Got no friends ?. That’s not your fault for being an arrogant asshat, it is surely only that you’re misunderstood.

Can’t keep your dick in your pants ?. Of course you can’t be blamed. It was that awful woman 43 years ago that crushed your fragile soul and caused you to forever seek re-affirmation of your sexuality through new encounters.

Do you mug people or roll little old ladies ?. You poor darling, you just need a hug. We all know that everyone in your entire life (no wait, make that everyone on the entire planet) is far less sensitive and advanced than you are. We can’t be expected to understand.

I’d like to see some self-help books that actually had a shot at being helpful. How about “It’s all your own fault AND you know it”, or perhaps “Life is hard for EVERYONE – get over yourself”.

Books that might tell the truth about how most life-problems are at least partially the fault of the person in the ‘mess’.

Books that admit that that owning up, telling the truth, facing yourself and those you know and love with honestly and integrity are all most people ever need to do in order to be spiritually ‘okay’.

I’m not talking about ‘real’ problems here, like poverty and illness, I’m talking about an industry built on shifting guilt and thusby self-perpetuating. Intellectual approaches applied to everyday lives serve little more benefit than to waste a few more empty days on another fake ‘answer’.

News flash: you are a unique and unrepeatable individual, and no formula from any mind but your own is going to solve your problems for you.

Self-honesty in the best policy. Regurgitating the theories of others just wastes the time you have left to incubate your own. You just don’t need any help to think.

(But if you do, well, there’s always "Thinking For Dummies” !