Well tonight I went to dinner with Amanda, and yesterday I hung out with her from five til around 11 or so. She's pissing me off. I'm to the point where I want to tell her my feelings for her just to get her to shut up.
Constant whining and complaining about boys and how she doesn't have one, not pretty enough, not good enough for boys that she likes, blah, blah, blah. WELL.......BLAH. All she does is sits and moans, I mean, yeah, I'm glad she choses to tell me all this, but its only cuz all her friends are away at college. I'm seriously f*cking up this relationship. I don't want to be friends. I want more than that. All she seems to want is a friendship, but you know, I really dont know what she wants. Always complaining about not having a relationship, like, NEVER having one before, and now that she could, it really doesnt seem that she wants one.
I drop hints. She either doesnt get them, or chooses not to say anything. Even after a conversation about relationships, in which my dad's girlfriend suggested that she (Amanda) and I date, Amanda's like NO. Whats so bad about me, huh? I think I'll just come out and ask her. Theres nothing that it could hurt, right? I could just say "Amanda, about the convo. the other night... what would be so bad about dating me?" and I'll see if I get a truthful answer.
Yes, If I can't date her, I'd like to be friends, but I'm so head over heels for her for some damn reason its not even funny. If I sit and make a list (as I have already) of the things abotu her I like, as compared to dislike, the like side is so much longer. After around five months of friendship, I know I don't know it all, but i know good, and I know bad. I like almost all of it so far, and the stuff I dont like is stupid. It's even insignificant to her too.
I dont like that she drives so fast, even with me in the car, but thats how she drives.
I dont like that she looks upon herself so critically.
I dont like that she see's herself as ugly.
I hate her low self esteem.
I dont like her outlook that all men are assholes, she's even told me that I and my friend Alex aren't, so why aren't we fit to date her? I know its not that she likes the asshole type, she's told me she doesn't.
I can't place it. I want to know what it is about her. Maybe its the fact that to me shes unobtainable. I'm on this huge conquest to reach the unreachable. or something like that...
Her friends make fun of her for hanging out with me so much, and laugh and say we're dating.
My friends laugh at me for hanging out with her so much, they laugh and say we're dating.
Why can't we be dating?
Could the problem be that I broke up with her best friend like four months ago? That her best friend was my first serious relationship? That she just wouldnt date me because of her friend?
I can't understand girls.
I don't understand girls.
Amanda is easily one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met. I'm not just saying that. She IS a bit short (doesnt bother me), but she's fine with it. She's really smart, really religious, really 'moral', really everything that I want and am looking for in a woman. I can't even begin to explain everything I find and see in her. But I assure you, its all wonderful. So why can't I attempt a relationship with her? What is it about her that makes me want to not give up? Every part of my mind tells me that I'll never have any chance with her, yet still I persist. Why?
I feel that if I ever were to come out and just ask her out, I'd face the ultimate rejection. And I think she's stop talking ot me, stop hanging out with me, and tell her friends about me too. I don't want her friends to hate me. I know my Ex won't. She's encouraging my dating her, but can't seem to convince Amanda that she should. Granted, I told her (the Ex) not to interfere, but I know she's trying, and I know that Amanda just laughs off the conversations abotu dating me. Well, what is it about me to her that makes me un-datable?
I guess the best way to find out is to ask right?
So thats what I'll have to do. I have to get the courage to ask her.
So that settles it.
Now since I've gotten that out of my system, I'm going to bed.
Peace.
--Joe
