Hey~

I called my Ex-girlfriend tonight. She and I just so happen to be good friends. We had a great talk. It was about everything. Grades, school, boys, girls, books, God, the weather, and especially Amanda.

I really don't think that I have a shot with Amanda. But Anne (Ex-girlfriend) seems to think I do. She wouldnt say it because she has some inside information either. I know theres none of that. After my and Amandas talk on Saturday night while driving around, I thought alot, and decided that I might want to speed up my asking her out. But according to Anne, I should still sit back and be patient. I still think, however, that I have no shot with Amanda because I fear rejection and thats the way I am.

Amanda called Anne today too it turns out. Everything I called to talk to Annemarie about had already been mentioned by Amanda. That kinda ruined my call, but at the same time, made it better because we then spent more time talking abotu how Amanda felt about things. Not about things with me, but more about things in general.

Anne seems to think too that in accordance with Amandas previous suitors, I might hurt her. She told me that if I pull a Jarod, Eric, Aaron, or a few other names, then she'll kill me. And I truthfully believe it. I proceeded to tell Anne that I wouldnt ask a young lady out in order to just 'get some' or for a quickie relationship, I ask them out because I am trying them for marriage, which might seem a bit odd, but afterall, dating is a trial relationship for marriage. With or without Anne saying she'll kill me, I know that if I asked Amanda out it would be for what Anne called a "serious relationship" I dont know much about what that means, but I do know that a serious relationship is what I'm looking for, and I'm definitely not in it to hurt Amanda.

But now that my hopes are high, after talking about all these "what if's" I'll say that I have a huuuuuuuuge fear of rejection. Now, if knew that I wouldn't get rejected, that takes the fun out of it. But at the same time, I have a big fear of losing the friendship with her too. If the friendship could be sustained whether or not she said yes to my question of a date, then I'd ask, so in a way, this is lke my fear of rejection peeking through also.

I won't date her if it would ruin our friendship. If me asking to date her ruins it, then its all over, but as for now, she doesnt know my feelings, I dont know hers, and we are friends. But I can always hold on to that glimmer of hope that it wouldnt ruin the friendship, no matter what her answer (hopefully a yes).

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Girl problems suck. I hate all this awkward business. i wish that it could be over. I hate holding these stupid crushes too. They make me feel so juvenile and childish. But theres no other way to get around or over this. I have to find out somehow or another.

I have to make up my mind about Amanda, but I cant. I dont want to lose her friendship. I want our relationship to go farther, but at the same time, if I cant have that, I just want the friend status. I know, I know, I should just be her friend, that solves it all.

But then what about my heart?