Nostalgia n. nos·tal·gi·a: A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
That's what I felt today. It describes it perfectly. I went through some of my old junk. I read conversations, journal entries and looked at past schoolwork. After reading a conversation between Kate Planton(it's not Katie ) I realize how much I've grown. And, after "knowing" her now, as much as I "know" her, I realize that I'm not the only one who's grown. 9th grade is a stupid, stupid age and I advise anyone to get over it quickly.
After reading my journal entries, I realize how much time has gone by since I've known Scott, and I also realize my liking for him has gone on for quite some time. Over the past hald year it's turned into love. But honestly, I don't know what in hell attracted me to him in the first place. The fact that he pursued me? Maybe. His charming smile and the way he tickled me? Probably. But, I still don't really see any solid reason that attracted me to him and justified my crushing on him two years ago. But, as big of an immature jerk as he could be back then, I'm glad it worked out the way it did. Because now, after he's grown up more, I have him. We've grown together and I've learned many lessons.
I was going through my debate stuff that was all shoved into a crate. There were a few things that I worked hard on, but mostly I found empty notebooks, blank paper, tournament schedules with tourney dates circled and highlighted that I had hoped to go to. I found literature and debate books I had never read. As I threw away Plethora reloaded and the blue book, I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went through my evidence box and threw away the unwrinkled, unused evidence that I, myself, hadn't compiled. Sure, I went to a couple practice tourneys and yeah, I had fun and debated with friends once in a while. But remorse stung bitter as I thought about what could have been. What I could have been. I had loved it while it lasted, but had never been motivated enough to delve deep. This feeling I got was horrible, but I guess throwing it all away and putting it out of my memory is best for now. And, I remembered how horribly hard my friends had worked to take 7th place at Nationals. I remembered how they were slaves to researching, slaves to debate. I thought about the people at PHC and how cool it would have been to know them better. But it's okay, I guess everyone has their regrets. I suppose we're entitled to a few. And maybe it's not so much about the past as about the future. High school is almost over.
I mean, sure, it sucked. High school sucks hard sometimes. But all I have now is a very short cushion. A cushion of time between now and college or whatever I decide to do. Just a few months. It's soft though, and I plan to appreciate it. I don't know what life holds after 5 months from now, but I'll let God decide. It's up to Him. Right now college or not seems fine to me. Each one brings it's own joys and troubles. But, I'm confident that God knows what He's doing. Obviously he does. I'll put my hand in His and take life as it comes. One day at a time.
~Sarah
