Dear dharmagrl,
Please accept my humble apologies for comments that may have seemed insensitive towards your husband or the community of pilots
in which you reside. I feel neither of us understood the other; "personal" communication is terribly difficult in a venue such as this where
all manner of sensitive issues are discussed, but without the benefit of voice, inflection, gesture (save for smilies, which aren't entirely up
to the task, imho) or facial expression. Suffice it to say that I'm swearing off blogs and newsgroups and e-lists; there are more constructive
things to do with my days.
Having said that, and still realizing you're probably not in the frame of mind to listen to me, now, but having experienced a full-blown, year-long clinical
depression after divorcing, suffice it to say I have been there in a very big way. Now, several years later, in retrospect, I don't even know how I survived.
I was rock bottom. The summer before 9/11, all I did was lie in the backyard and look at the sky and take tranquilizers and smoke cigarettes, all day,
every day. Anxiety, panic-attacks, bleak hopeless mornings, that dull ache deep inside that just wouldn't go away....
It is well that you are going to the doctor, because intractable, clinical depression is a medical condition. I went through hell to learn this. People say
"buck up" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "get over it," but they don't know what it's like.
I won't belabor you with all the science behind the new classes of antidepressant drugs. Suffice it to say that panic-attacks, persistent compulsive worry, depression,
and a number of other disorders are linked, and the common thread seems to be an imblance of the neurotransmitter, serotonin, in the brain. Essentially, not enough
of the Serotonin surrounds the neuron where it is supposed to be, but instead gets in the gap between the neurons, which causes the above named problems. SSRIs,
or "Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors" restore the balance. One of the best for anxiety/panic attacks/depression combined is Paxil, but Zoloft (which I take), is also a good
choice. However, your doctor will help you find the best choice for you, if you opt to go this route.
It's difficult to explain the difference having the medication makes. It's not like the drug makes you high or euphoric, or anything. But once I was on Zoloft for a couple months, I would look back at the way I had felt, and it was almost impossible to undertstand what it was that made me feel like dying. It was like looking back at some different person, who wasn't me. The reason it was so hard to understand is because the condition I had been experiencing was caused by a serotonin imbalance in my brain, which was precipitated (as is common) by the stress/grief/anxiety of an ugly divorce.
Consider discussing medication with your doctor. Be aware as well, that the SSRIs may have the effect of intially making you a little more anxious, as the chemical balance
in your brain readjusts. But it does get better, and dramatically so, in 4-6 weeks.
Hang in there.
Sincerely,
R.B.
