You know what's fun? Lists are fun! Everybody likes lists! You know what else is fun? Broad, unsubstantiated generalizations about people! For this very reason, I've decided to make a list of my own:
10 People-Traits That Piss Me Off
1) People that refer to people they don't know as "buddy". "Keep the change, buddy." "Sorry 'bout that, buddy." "Can I fuck your wife, there, buddy?" Not only is this impersonal, unthoughtful and condescending, but it's assumptive. What makes you think I'm your fuckin' buddy? I just met you! You've gotta wine and dine me first, pal. Buck-a-fuckin'-roo.
2) People who wield magnum-sized patriotism to make up for small gentitalia. You know what I'm talkin' about - the big Ford F-250 pick-up with a giant American flag in the back windsheild adourned with a middle finger, blaring Toby Keith out of the passenger side window. "I'm American, fuck you!" Most of us are American here, sir. Fuck yourself.
3) Petty-ass management/ middle management worms. They get the smallest taste of power and brandish it like they're fuckin' Mussolini! Now, of course, this isn't everyone who holds such a position. Just the select few who can kiss my pasty ass. Okay, fine, the select many.
4) People who change the subject when they feel backed into a corner. Then, after they change the subject, they have the nerve to gloat about getting the last word in! Such hubris! Such arrogance! Fuck off!
5) Folks who beleive, with utmost certitude, that they are the be all and end all of moral judgement. Here's the news, cocksuckers, it's not up to you to decide what's best for everybody else who walks the planet! I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with whatever it is you may beleive and/or have faith in. More power to you! Just stop forcing your beleifs on everyone else. You may have a relationship with God, or Jesus, or Allah, or whatever. That's cool, I can dig that. But you ain't God, friend. And if you are indeed amoung the chosen few, then heaven has officially become hell in this upside-down world. My vision of hell, anyway.
6) People who keep more than four birds as personal pets. In a small apartment. I'm being generous by allowing four. I have my reasons.
7) People who quit an addiction, any addiction, and then get on fuckin' high horse about it. Always a wealth of disapproving head motions, mildly insulting advice, annoying off-hand comments and smug little smirks. Enough al-fuckin'-ready!
8) Passive aggresive people with pure self interest in mind. I used to live in Seattle, and if you want to encounter a large number of people exibiting this trait, then Seattle's a good place to start. It's difficult to describe, but try picturing a person with a GREAT BIG SMILE and...a knife. Management/ middle management's a good place to find this trait as well.
9) People who still think it's funny to whip out their best Austin Powers impression, and do it as frequently as opportunity permits. This also goes for you Jim Carreys and Dave Chappelles out there. Rick James passed away. Let the fuckin' guy rest in peace!
...and last but not least...
10) People who piss and moan about immigrants to the United States who haven't learned English. I've lived all over the world, and trust me, the vast majority of Americans living abroad I've encountered haven't bothered to learn the local languages either. Big fuckin' deal. Immigrants have been pouring into this country ever since we slaughtered the American Indians. Sometimes it took a couple generations to adjust. What's the problem? Hell, Lady Liberty herself speaks French. So fuckin' what!
Anyway, that's my pointless rant for the day. If there are any people-traits that piss you off, feel free to post them. Perhaps some of the traits I've exhibited myself through writing this article might act as an inspiration!
