Osama bin Laden's Hallowe'en intervention in the US elections raised the already astronomical levels of fear in the US capital. But there is a humorous side
It seems entirely fitting that Osama bin Laden should emerge as an 11th-hour force in the presidential polls, especially since it's Hallowe'en. John Zogby of polling fame had already named this the "Armageddon election" long before the bearded wonder popped up like a horseman of the apocalypse disguised as a bad encyclopedia salesman with his "stop killing us and we’ll stop killing you" line. Hmm, I wonder if there’s a catch?
Mr Zogby came up with his title because the Republicans and the Democrats are behaving as if it will be the end of the world as we know it if the other side wins tomorrow.
If bin Laden wins, I guess it’ll just be the end of the world, at least as far as the people in the White House are concerned. They have even come up with a name for the war that rhymes with bin Laden’s jihad. It’s "G-WOT," with the emphasis on the "Ji," an acronym of Global War on Terrorism.
Still, I am relieved, finally, to have gained an insight into the al-Qaeda leader’s post-September 11 psyche. He clearly believes he is starring in a reality TV show called White House Kingpin. The final episode will reveal which pollster correctly predicted how he affected the outcome of tomorrow’s election. Pity for the kingpin that Americans seem to have decided they are not so interested in his death threats anymore. I especially liked his little joke about how it wasn’t their intention to kill so many people in the World Trade Centre. I suppose that’ll be why they flew two jumbo jets into it, then. I have multiple theories about why the old Bin Liner, as some people like to call him, decided to show up. One of them is not that of my countryman on Al Jazeera’s website, who suggested that the Bush campaign financed his video. (Some Democrats had suggested in more paranoid moments that the administration would magically conjure up bin Laden in detention and steal the election by a landslide.)
My pet theory is that bin Laden’s militant masculinity was challenged by Assam the American, or "thon eejit" as my mother refers to him, who appeared in a video the day before promising to make the streets run red with blood. Some folk thought he looked a bit like a Spitting Image puppet with the rim of his glasses peeking out and his big angry fist waving around in the camera. If he had a rousing message to deliver from one oppressed people to another, I think his audience may have missed the point when he said: "You are as guilty as Bush and Cheney." Now the CIA is appealing for witnesses because they suspect old Assam’s tape was a fake.
While we’re trying to find something funny about a man who likes killing people, I would like to revive an anagram of the al-Qaeda leader’s name deciphered by a Scotsman reader three years ago – "Oban Ladies Man". (For my American friends, Oban is a windy, depressing, beer-soaked seaside town, at least in my experience, but allegedly quite beautiful. However the mist never lifted when I was there so I can’t be sure. Just think Brigadoon. And a Ladies’ Man is typically a windy, depressing, beer-soaked Sean Connery without the multi-million-dollar mansion on the Spanish coast, the fancy suits and the punchy one-liners. OK, I know bin Laden doesn’t drink but I bet he’s plenty windy and depressing even without the alcohol.) Anyway the point is, the next time you get terrorism angst, just think Oban Ladies Man. I am still scratching my head about one particular line in his Address to the American People. He said their security was not in the hands of Mr Kerry or Mr Bush, but in their own. Has he signed up with the NRA? Even now I can picture the hordes at the gun fairs.
Speaking of the gun lobby, bin Laden will be pleased to hear that the people at Dulles International Airport (that would be the airport where the plane that hit the Pentagon took off) recently announced with not inconsiderable pride that they would be enforcing the laws of the state of Virginia and allowing visitors to bring their firearms to the airport, as long as they didn’t bring them into the terminal. The only good thing about all this apocalyptic atmosphere is that it has given Washingtonians something else to do (worry) when they are not glued to their computers looking for the latest opinion poll.
* By Elaine Monaghan, The Times Special Correspondent in Washington
