After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election:
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) Pressing 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language, if you don’t speak it, don’t expect to get an answer! Speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO invasions, no imports, no exports. We will use the OLD 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it. [Yes, this is against Classical and Keynesian Economic Theory, but it's tongue and cheek and it sounds good!
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(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(4b) All National Guard serving in Iraq and Afghanistan will be sent home and will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders to fire on NORTHBOUND aliens who are crossing illegally. Aliens will then think to themselves, "I might get shot!" They won't become illegal and therefore will decide to come into this country the legal way.
(4c) All Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines will be re-deployed to Afghanistan to find OSAMA BIN LADEN!!! Remember him???? Hellooooooo!?
(4d) Half of the illegal aliens in the US will be sent to the southern border to build the Fence and then be thrown over. The other half of the illegal aliens in the US will be sent to Afghanistan. Since they are so good at sneaking across borders they will sneak across the Afghan/Pakistan border and help find OBL, the winner being granted instant American citizenship.
(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting' nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you will be banned for life.
(8) Crime - There will be no more death penalty. Instead a harsh re-organization of the prison systems will take place: No more cable TV, no more TV, no more visitations, no more sunshine. If you commit a Capitol Offense you will serve the rest of your life in a windowless cell where you will enjoy a breakfast, lunch, and dinner of bread and water...for the rest of your life.
(9) One export will be allowed - Wheat -- The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress -- right after a voluntary prayer to God, Buddha, Allah, Spot, Bob.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
(13) All political correctness will be banned and the Constitutional Bill of Rights and Freedom of Speech will reign supreme...like it's supposed to. I don't give a shit if you are a black, cross-dressing, Republican stewardess who likes to be a Jap mailman in your spare time. I have a right to free speech. You don't have a right to be offended. Grow a backbone!
(14) Evolution will be taught in schools. This way students who grew up Christian will learn that Evolution doesn't contradict Christianity. People who study this already know this and don't go along with what someone else told them who didn't read it either! If you don't want your child to study Evolution and instead study Creationism PUT THEM IN A PRIVATE SCHOOL! or head West along the Souther Border and then real sudden like turn left.
(15) We pay our hard earned money to people in another country who want to kill us. This will be stopped. In order to better protect the environment, create jobs, and screw the Arab oil companies, a massive program will begin construction of a new, bullet train mass transit system. It will be solar-electric and run down the middle of the Interstate Highway System. Europe and Japan have it. So can we!
(16) All Americans will be Americans, not Irish-Americans, African-Americans, Japanese-Americans, Italian-Americans, Jewish-Americans. Just Americans. Think you are too good for the rest of us to be anything else?
(17) We are American Citizens who got that way the “old fashioned way” we earned it! Our forefathers came to this country through the front door. They didn’t sneak through the back door!!!
They waited in line, paid their dues and earned the right to be an American citizen.
What right do you think you have to steal your way into our country and try to force your religion or cultural practices on us while gobbling up our hard earned dollars through our blind justice system?
If you are indeed an American citizen, DO NOT fly your Spanish or for that matter, any other flag on our soil. Last, if you don’t like what you see, smell, or hear, take your ass back to where you came!!!
No apologies here if I stepped on anyone's toes. A vote for me will get you better than what you have had and better than what you're gonna get.
