Been crazy busy the past week with work. But not too busy enough to be called in for a urinealysis on Thursday. Of course, I have morning PT, so they called while my cell phone was in the glove box of my car and I was in the gym. I actually pissed twice before I even got the message after showering and changing clothes.
So, I drove back up to the unit and started studying up for the pee test. I drank two small bottles of water in the car on the way to start. When I got to the unit, I got the standard brief and was put in the 'holding area'. When I got there, most of the people that had actually gotten the message at 0445 had already come and gone (and departed, too). There was only one other Soldier in the holding area that had not pissed yet. We sat and drank fluids. Lots of fluids. I drank coffee and water. Lots of coffee and water.
You see, I have this problem with performance anxiety on pee tests, so I have to be full and VERY ready to go in. During my first tour to Hawaii, I had an experience that haunts me to this day. It was shortly after I got to the unit. I was the most junior Soldier in the entire company and we had a 100% test one morning. I drank water and got in line. But before I got to the head of the line, I started to develop a serious urge to go. So I asked if I could skip ahead and grudgingly, the people ahead of me let me go. By the time the paperwork was checked and the labels applied, I was doing a serious pee-dance.
When I got to the urinal, I got my bottle ready and prepared to fill it. Now, in order to make sure that the sample provided is in fact that of the donator, we have observers, often called 'meat gazers', that stand next to you and ensure that it is in fact your urine. While I don't think I was ever happy at all about having someone watch me go, I didn't really experience any problems, either. But this time, the NCO thought he'd have a little fun at the new guys expense, and nearly stuck his head in the urinal. This. Freaked. Me. Out.
I couldn't go. I was nearly in tears I had to go so bad, but nothing would come out. I had to step back. It took me two minutes to calm down enough to try again. The whole time, I was in pain from not going. When I finally tried again, he had mercy and observed the correct way.
Ever since then, I haven't been able to go on demand. I have to be nearly ready to piss my pants before I go. This has caused me to be the last person many times. Often by hours. When I attended BNCOC, I was the last person. It took me three trips to the mens room before I could go. During the last trip, the observer told me to apply SPORTS. That's an Army acronym for how to perform immediate action on a rifle that fails to fire. It stands for Slap, Pull, Observe, Release, Tap, and Squeeze. This had me laughing and I was able to relax and fill the bottle.
Well, once again, I was the last person to go on Thursdays test. I drank liquids for hours. I got the message at 0715 and was at the company by 0730. I didn't fill my bottle until 1115. They jokingly threatened to take me to the clinic for a catheter. I nearly let them. As time went on, the frustration of not being able to go grew, which in turn made the pressure to go grow, which in turn made it more impossible for me to actually go. I tried exercise. I tried putting my hand under running water (hot and cold). I tried standing at the urinal, giving it a flush now and then while the sink ran. Nothing. And I kept drinking water.
I weighed myself at the gym that morning after PT and I weighed myself after the test. I drank so much water that I gained 15 pounds. That's right, I said 15 pounds! Of water and coffee! That's what it took for me to finally be able to go.
This test was by far the worst experience (and most embarassment) I've ever had with a urineanalysis. And it's only going to make next time even more difficult, because I won't be able to forget it.
