I am currently in the "throes" of cannabis.
I am a user, abuser, chooser. I like me the way I am, but I guess somewhere deep down inside suppressed by so much drug use is telling me that it isn't anything to be proud of. But it's all I got damn it, and I gotta make it through this fucking life somehow.
I got into the habit of being stoned all the time through work. I hated Dairy Queen and all the fucking bullshit. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been stoned I definitely wouldn't have liked a lot of the people there that I got along with merely because I was stoned and avoiding conflict. Well, I like everyone when I'm stoned. It's a good feeling, I don't feel angry, or very scared, because of that ride Mandi and I took to Woodbury and cheated death at least a half dozen times.
But I did it before work so I wouldn't be crabby (which happens a LOT if I'm not smoking pot) and so that it would go by quickly. I'm an expert--trust me--none of them knew when I was stoned at work. They're going to say, oh sure I could tell when Anne smoked pot, oh sure I knew she did, but they DON'T know shit. I mean I literally went in there every day SO FUCKING BAKED, I could hardly walk, all sounds echoed through my mind and I could barely understand anyone. I smoked almost every day from mid-March through August and, well, now. I suppose there is seven or eight days total in there that I didn't smoke pot. But that doesn't matter, because marijuana's half life is thirty days and throughout those thirty days you're continuously stoned even if you can't feel it. So I'm not concerned that a moment went by this summer where my piss would've been clean.
Did I intend to get hooked? I can't answer that. I know that if you do something so much for so long that there's no way you're stopping. I know that I can't do schoolwork while stoned. I know that I have a HUGE addiction problem. Plus, after smoking weed all last summer and coming to school, not knowing where to find any, I was really depressed. Are those two things related? I don't know for sure, but I do know I felt the effects of SOMETHING.
Aughhhhhhhhhhh it's like flowing through my veins, you know, the feeling that I want something soooo bad. You know when you want something sooooo bad? Whether it be sex when you're turned on, water when you're really really thirsty, lotion for your INSANELY dry hands. You know that feeling? Like you can feel it everywhere, you want it sooooo bad?
That's how I feel. I want to feel different SOOOOOOOO bad right now, I want to feel it so much it just makes me feel terrible. I can't sit still can't do anything can't focus, just want it sooo much. NEED it, I NEED it! Want to feel up, sedated, cool, tweaky, whatever. ANYTHING (besides pot) SOOOOO BAD!!! Augh it's so bad. The more drugs I experiment with (which is what I've done with most everything I've done, besides coke and codeine) the more I WANT to be messed up. I mean, I don't have to do it all in a short amount of time, either. I mean, like, I want cocaine sooooooo bad it HURTS (often, in fact) and I haven't done any since Christmas time. And I want to be on crank so much, I just want to be able to focus and get something accomplished!!!!
BUT I CAN'T FOCUS AND GET STUFF ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!! ARGHHHH! I'm a very unmotivated person normally, like before I started doing drugs. And now, when I DON'T smoke weed, I'm really on edge and anxious and can't sit still or get anything done. But I got a taste for cocaine, and I like the things I get done on crank. So now being nervous and anxious and on edge is sooooo unbearable that I have to smoke pot to get rid of the feeling!!! Then I get so relaxed and LAZY... I need drugs now just to feel anywhere near NORMAL.
Sure, crank isn't good. But I need to lose weight... And I can't find anyway. I'd rather do coke but crank lasts so much longer...!!!!! ACK!!!!
I'M SO TORTURED.
~Tweekz
(Anne)
