JOB APPLICATION
NAME: John Forbes Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant, which I considered unsightly, from in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book, "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier," shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my opponent, George W. Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife, Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.
Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.
My wealth so far exceeds that of my opponent, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make few charitable contributions and have never agreed to voluntarily pay any excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $700-million.
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those countries, although I continue to blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of country.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
I ride a Serotta Bike.
My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
I own several "large" SUVs, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
