Have you ever heard of an open wall locker question? Okay, here’s the premise, in the Army, there is always one, count them one idiot, that no matter how well coached, will always pop up at the worst time, and ask the wrong person, the wrong question. For example, in basic training there are constant inspections, room inspections, boot inspections (sometimes at two in the morning,) uniform inspections, and so on ad nauseum. However, my personal favorite, is the wall locker inspection, everything dress right dress, t-shirts rolled tighter than your drill sergeants sphincter, (scared you with that link, didn’t I) everything exact, and most importantly all 150 people must be exactly the same.

     Typically, the conversation goes like this,

Drill sergeant: Okay privates, listen up, you’ve got 30 minutes for chow, and then I want you standing in front of your rooms for inspection.

Dumbass private: ummm.. drill sergeant…ooh ooh drill sergeant

Drill sergeant: What is it private?, and go to parade rest….all of you just push while pvt. Dumbass tries to remember, since you can’t seem to help him remember about parade rest.

Dumbass: Umm drill sergeant, is it an open wall locker inspection?

Drill sergeant: That’s a fine idea, soldier, it is now.

This has applied everywhere in the army, whether in front of the Sergeant Major of the Army, or whether pvt. Dumbass, (I think he’s following me to every unit) asks whether the guard duty is in kevlar and full battle rattle, after pvt dumb asses best friend, spc. Drunken Assclown, puts Boston baked beans in the gas tanks of your humvees on the weekend so everyone in the battalion is chewed out and has to pull guard.

I know this has happened to you. Please feel free to relate your best/worst experience with this. I just got started, so I’m a needy points whore right now anyway. Signing off, Nobody Special.