Cats and Dogs

And Maids

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A dog looks at us and thinks, "This person feeds me, shelters me, and takes care of my every need... he must be a god!"

A cat looks at us and thinks, "This person feeds me, shelters me, and takes care of my every need... I must be a god!"

I don’t like dogs. I think I have stated this before. I think dogs are stupid and slavish. Also they are damn annoying when they jump into my crotch. All you have to do is give a dog some food and he is your friend for life. Wait, you don’t even have to do that. You just have to be in its presence and you are a friend for life, where “life” is the span of time that you are within sensory detection.

Cats, on the other hand, are much more discriminating. You really have to earn a cat’s trust. Even within a single household, a cat may only like one or two people (or even none at all). That was always the case with the cats at my home. Generally, the cats like me and no one else. I think they somehow sensed the respect I held for them. Maybe it was just their superior intelligence recognizing one of their own.

Despite my affection for felines, I do not have any pets. There are actually several reasons for this.

You have to keep pets alive, and I’m not very good at keeping things alive. I just barely managed to keep myself alive. All of my plants have died. Maybe I didn’t talk to them enough, or at all. I might have said something along the lines of, “Stop dying you stupid plant!” But I don’t think that helped. Plants don’t respond to tough love. Although, since I didn’t really love them I guess it was just tough.

Animals are messy. I know this because I am an animal. And before you ladies start swooning, I mean that in the literal biological sense. I’m not a tidy person, so the idea of having some hairy cat or dog in my home disturbs me. Some people might think that a messy person would not mind a pet’s messiness, but nothing could be further from the truth. If I were a tidy person, always cleaning up after myself, then the addition of a little hair or carpet shit would not be a big deal. As things stand, I think a little more messiness could push me over into some sort of dirty critical mass. Maybe if I got a maid I could get a pet. I’d need one of those live-in maids, which means I would have to be very picky about who I chose for the job, since I have just the one bed.

Animals give off these particles that really mess with me. I’m allergic to cats and dogs. I’m not allergic to many things, but those freaking beasts are among them. I guess there are drugs that can help with this problem, but I don’t like taking drugs.

So, to recap. Cats good. Dogs bad. But neither is worth having around, though a live-in maid might be.

P.S. Animals are evil...

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