Extract from a letter addressed to the Liberal Party from the Secretary of the ALP:
Dear Fuckaroos,
We have spent the last days admiring your budget-cum-under-the-table-bribe. We really have.
Admitted, it’s a cold admiration lacking in any of the warmth that has traditionally been associated with that emotion. This admiration chills the bones of members of the ALP, its parliamentary representatives and yours truly.
We cannot deny you the extraordinary agility and dexterity which you exhibit in both parliamentary question times and within that ethereal realm of the mediasphere.
We have often mentioned the similarities between the aforementioned agility and dexterity with that of demonstrated by some of the greater orders of ape.
To combat this well acknowledged superiority of yours, we have been working on a plot, a device if you will, that has presented itself as challenge in its execution, covertness and requirement of perseverance of will.
We have trained our own monkey, an Orang-utan of remarkable character and charisma.
As your party has shown us, we can longer entrust the complicated mission of staying “on message” to mere humans.
We can no longer come to expect from our elected representatives the barbarism, uncanny reflexes and unremitting cries and buffoonery necessary to drown out the voice of opposition and dissent.
We can no longer expect from the ranks of our members the simple minded, open mouthed loyalty that comes accompanied with an almost exclusive satisfaction from hanging preponderantly from the same branches of policy, swinging to the next when the sound of our own wind startles us and making kissy faces whenever a banana is within our field of vision.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we do not have the prerequisite genetics to beat you at a game that is increasingly bearing the hallmarks of sexual territoriality based on the wafting of pheromones.
We will publicly unveil our new “weapon” for the modern battlefield of Australian politics Thursday after next after our new honourable member of parliament has been satisfactorily been “neutered”, as all Party members should if it wasn’t for the niggling questions of “law”. Fortunately with Frank, the law will not present itself as a problem. We will encounter none of the genetic degradation that we have encountered previously with the Beazleys and Downers (what an unfortunate name) of politics.
Tremble. Tremble at the coming of a new breed of politician. A politician that has no qualms with presenting itself as it is. The first absolutely honest politician. Honour will rain down upon the one member of parliament that unreservedly admits to being an ape among men.
Yours in all sincerity,
Secretary of the ALP
Shamus Rafferty
