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MasonM

Join Date 01/2004

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Depression Doesn't have To Be Fatal

My father died from depression when I was 10 years old. Shotgun. In his day and age men simply didn't go to the doctor for something like that. It was a weakness. Something to be ashamed of.

The chemical imbalances that cause depression are quite often genetic. One can inherit it from one or both parents. I inherited it from my father. Yep, I suffer from clinical depression. But I won't let it kill me like it did my father.

I have "those" thoughts from time to time. I remember a time several years ago when I found myself sitting on my couch with a loaded .357 in my lap. I don't remember getting and loading it with hollow points. I just found myself sitting there holding it and thinking thoughts best left not thought. Funny thing is, I really didn't have any good reason for it. Life was actually pretty good then but depression doesn't care about that.

Right then and there I decided to go get help as I refused to let it kill me like it killed my father. I got angry. Angry has always worked for me in situations like that. I refused to be another sad story in the newspaper.

Help is out there, and it really does work.

I do still sometimes have "those" thoughts cross my mind but I was taught how to deal with them. They are terrible thoughts that can have a lot of power if you let them. The trick is in taking away their power. It isn't easy at times. They can be very strong. But they can be defeated.

I am currently on the brink of the depths of that black fog. I felt it coming on and immediately sought help. It takes time for the drugs to kick in and I know I just have to hang on until they do. That black fog is a terrible place that I have been and do not want to revisit so I am doing everything I can to hang on. It isn't easy.

Many people do not understand depression. They think it's just a funk, a state of mind or emotion that one can simply snap out of. That simply isn't true. It's a serious illness that can be fatal. It's more than just a mental state. There are very real physical reasons for it and very real physical symptoms including pain in various parts of the body, and serious malfunctions of body organs. For me my kidneys and liver malfunction when I am in the depths of depression. The brain chemical issues that cause depression affect all of the body.

Extreme fatigue is a common symptom of depression. The body simply can't function normally when the brain doesn't function normally. I am there now. I can not get fully awake during the day and have no energy at all. I am finding it very hard to function.

And of course "those" thoughts creep in. They're always there, just waiting for the chance to move into the spotlight. And they seem so reasonable and tempting. That's the real catch. They actually make sense at the time.

The key is in getting medical help. It doesn't have to be fatal. "Those" thoughts don't have to win. It's as easy as going to the doctor. Personally, I am not quite ready to check out.

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Extreme fatigue is a common symptom of depression. The body simply can't function normally when the brain doesn't function normally. I am there now. I can not get fully awake during the day and have no energy at all. I am finding it very hard to function.

That must be such an awful feeling M. Ditto what L said may your episode of depression be a short one. Hold on tight and do not let go of life.

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But I won't let it kill me like it did my father.

A good attitude to have. Depression can be very debilitating, it is good you are able to recognise the signs and get help early. I hope you get through this okay.

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My father died from depression when I was 10 years old. Shotgun. In his day and age men simply didn't go to the doctor for something like that. It was a weakness. Something to be ashamed of.

Thankfully things are different today. Stay positive, stay healthy.

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Depression is anger turned inwards...which is why learning how to turn it outwards can save your life.

Good luck, Mason, I hope you avoid the black fog for now, but if that's not possible, may your sojourn through it be short.

Thanks. I'm hoping the Wellbutrin will help and we don't have to start playing musical pills.

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That must be such an awful feeling M. Ditto what L said may your episode of depression be a short one. Hold on tight and do not let go of life.

Thanks. Yeah it sucks but then so does a heart attack or a stroke. You get it treated and get on with your life.

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But I won't let it kill me like it did my father.

A good attitude to have. Depression can be very debilitating, it is good you are able to recognise the signs and get help early. I hope you get through this okay.

Thanks. Having "been there done that" before I know what can happen if it isn't dealt with.

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My father died from depression when I was 10 years old. Shotgun. In his day and age men simply didn't go to the doctor for something like that. It was a weakness. Something to be ashamed of.

Thankfully things are different today. Stay positive, stay healthy.

Yeah a lot of people now understand that it's a physical illness. Sadly, not everyone does, but more than not these days,

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You have THREE good reasons not to repeat your dad's solution. Three reasons to set a better example.

I was one of those people who used to say...Gah! Get over it! Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and fake it till you make it!

Yadda.

Then, (as so often happens in my life when I am unsympathetic toward an issue), I had my second son and WHAM, I was in that very dark black fog you are describing. I didn't get those kind of thoughts, I just stayed pissed off all the time. And I told myself all the things I thought about depression before, and it didn't make a bit of difference.

I was so prideful about getting myself out of it I was willing to subject the world to my bad attitude rather than see my Dr about it. But the hole only got darker and meaner, and I was such a pleasant person to be around..heh

After two loooooooooong years I went to see the Dr. He prescribed an anti-depressant and I took it for three months. Didn't like the way it made me feel so I went cold turkey and flushed them down the toilet. (I don't recommend stopping this way. The withdrawal was so bad my kidneys almost stopped functioning and I had lots of other horrible side effects for months, not the least of which was a screaming banshee kinda thing.)

But I bit down and white knuckled it for another year. FINALLY a new Dr did some blood work and found out I was not feeling "myself" because my thyroid stopped working most likely right after my second son was born. So it was chemical the entire time. And it wasn't the anti-depressants that made me feel sluggish but my thyroid.

ALL that to say this....I thought I was being strong, but I was just being stupid.

It sounds like you are not above letting someone help you. Good for you Mason. It's very wise to know what you can handle alone and what takes a little help.

And if depression does happen to pass on to your boys, you have set a great example by showing them getting that little bit of help may very well save their lives.

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ALL that to say this....I thought I was being strong, but I was just being stupid.

Yep, I had to learn that the hard way too.

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Please keep on learning. Learning the hard way, the easier way, or whatever way works. Keep on learning, and keep on living.

Hopefully the fog will lift soon and the meds will kick in and start doing their job to help. Meanwhile, keep on keepin' on.

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A very insightful article Mason, and a touching story you've shared with us.

I can't imagine this world without you, you bring much to all of us that have and continute to enjoy your blogs.

I hope too that you find yourself coming back with the aid of Wellbutrin.

I'm on Cymbalta and it helps with the physical pain too, thank goodness! I think that's something that the Wellbutrin didn't do for me.

Good thoughts for you truckin man

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Meanwhile, keep on keepin' on.

Yep that's about the size of it.

Thanks.

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A very insightful article Mason, and a touching story you've shared with us.

I can't imagine this world without you, you bring much to all of us that have and continute to enjoy your blogs.

I hope too that you find yourself coming back with the aid of Wellbutrin.

I'm on Cymbalta and it helps with the physical pain too, thank goodness! I think that's something that the Wellbutrin didn't do for me.

Good thoughts for you truckin man

Thanks, kind of you to say.

I think one big problem related to depression and other so-called emotional disorders is that people simply don't talk about them. Many of us who suffer from them are ashamed or simply don't want to talk about it. Keeping it in the dark just keeps the stigma alive and well which ultimately winds up killing people.

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I have been there too. I reached a low point in February. At one point, I wrote a blog about it but I am self-conscious about it and felt like I was sharing too much so I changed it to private. I guess you are right that we need to get over the stigma of feeling like it's a personal failing and just treat it like an illness.

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Exactly why I write about it. It's an illness plain and simple. No different than heart disease or a thyroid problem, and nothing to be ashamed about.

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This is one of the things that has me fundamentally pissed off at many strains of Christianity. The last serious bout of depression I went through, I ACTIVELY sought support from the Christian community. I TOLD them about my depression; I ASKED for help. None was given, and as the funk escalated, I was continually told that it was my spiritual condition; if I'd just pray a little more or give a little more to the offering plate or something like that, God would deliver me. And if He didn't, it was a sign of lack of faith on my part. Sadly, this belief is all too common in churches, and I have to wonder how many parishioners have died because of it. And how those pastors will wash the blood off their hands.

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Yeah I know what you mean Gid. It's sheer stupidity and intellectual dishonesty at it's finest.

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I'm on antidepressants and I'm still tired all the time. I don't know if I need a higher dosage as I'm on a fairly even emotional keel most of the time (as my writing reflects, hopefully!), if it's obesity-related, or something else. My bloodwork all comes back okay every time I have it done...

I've cone to the conclusion that my body is retarded and I need a new one. Maybe in a few years medical technology will allow me to do that. That would probably make my husband a whole lot happier, too. lol

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Could be you're just not on the right AD for you.

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Hi Mason,
Thank you for sharing this very personal account. My nephew suffers from depression and he has said that crying, that his own tears are a natural relief. I will pray for you.

Do you know that Hope is a passion just as love is. Hold tight, cling to hope Mason...you never know what kind of pleasure and joy that you can receive or give to someone else in the the next moment, the next hour, the next day. When a man can take pleasure in something, even if it's a little thing like smiling at a stranger, then he is at least beginning to rouse himself from the depression. Hope is a help to action because it arouses effort and leads to success of a future good.

Do good and be good, my JU friend,

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Mason, have you considered you might need company on your travels again? I know how much Socrates meant to you through your blogs and we all felt we knew him through you. I am loathe to open old wounds at this time, but do so with the very best of intentions

I know you said you would never have a pet again after you lost your beloved Socrates, but pets are wonderful company and are also therapeutic for depression sufferers. Dogs make wonderful companions, they hang on your every word and every breath you take, all they ask in return is your love.

I am posting a picture of a chihuahua for you. They are small and require little amounts of exercise. The dog is small enough to have in the cab with you and small enough for a carrier box too. He would also be happy to be on a leash when at the truck stops.

Please Mason think about it. Just don't put him in pink like the poor bugger below!

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And of course "those" thoughts creep in. They're always there, just waiting for the chance to move into the spotlight. And they seem so reasonable and tempting. That's the real catch. They actually make sense at the time.

Very nice piece MasonM. It's good to see something about depression.

I too have fought it. I've always felt that the hardest part isn't really fighting to beat it after the first time, because you know what needs to be done. I feel that it's trying to keep yourself distanced from things that can send you hurtling back into the direction of the pit, ya know?

A good example is my current state of affairs, a job i hate, a relationship that's always dancing to the brink, and sometimes falling in (to chaos), and being in debt. (Gotta love life, eh?) It's a circumstance that's more than once forced me into depression.

Good luck, and godspeed with it, and, yes, even though we don't know each other very well, you're more than welcome to drop me an email. I'd be glad to help you in whateve way i can.

Peace, ~Lucas

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Hi Mason,
Thank you for sharing this very personal account. My nephew suffers from depression and he has said that crying, that his own tears are a natural relief. I will pray for you.

Thanks

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Mason, have you considered you might need company on your travels again?

Thanks, but I have enough to do just looking after myself.

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I am not quite ready to check out.

I am glad you are not ready. Hope that you start feeling better. I am prone to depression, and although I won a major battle against it many years ago, it still comes back to pick on me. I just try not to let it get to me too much.

Love the blue hat in your pic, btw.

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