Misc. Micellaneous.  I seem to post a lot of articles under that heading, mainly because I can't think of anything else to put them under.

This article, though.....this is a lot of miscellaenia - is that even a word?  Oh fuck it.  Who cares.

I'm having a bad emotion day.  I thought that I had got rid of the accumulated emotion from last weekend, but apparently I'm mistaken.  Today has seen me alternate between restless and tearful to limp and unable to think properly.  It's pretty normal for me to be like this after a challenging vigilance session, and I'm sure that a psychologist would have a field day with me when I'm like this.  I think that I need to go to the gym and let all this emotion go in a vigorous workout, but I keep making excuses as to why I'm still sitting here on the couch: it's too cold.  It's lunchtime.  The kids will be home in 3 hours.  None of them are good excuses, but I'm still sitting here.

I'm listening to music on my new mp3 player.  It's a Samsung K something or other; it's got a touch screen on the front and a speaker that slides out of the back so I don't have to use headphones if I don't want to.  It's got the customary photo, video and radio features on it, and it's actually pretty kick ass.  I should write a product review of it; maybe Brad will see fit to feature that article.  I can wish, right?

I'm fat, I'm lazy, and I'm sick of being this way.  I disgust myself some days.  I don't know what the fuck Dave sees in me.

I need to get laid.  I'm married, I sleep with a man every night, yet I average on orgasm (or three or four; I'm good at knocking out multiples - or should I say Dave's good at getting me to knock out multiples?) every 2 weeks.  That's terrible.  We need to have sex more, and we know that.....but things get in the way.  We LET things get in the way, really.  When we've tried to make sex a priority, though, we've both felt like we were being made to perform, and the resulting sex was stilted and awkward.  It wasn't BAD; we've never had bad sex.....but it wasn't the kind of sex where you feel like you can just let go and do whatever you feel like (which is how our sex usually is).  *sigh*  I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know how to make it a priority without fucking myself out of a good fuck.  Har har, I made a funny.

We won't be moving until the end of April, and will probably end up moving when mum's here on vacation.  She won't mind, and I know she'll help out - but I'm still aggrivated that it won't be until then.  On the plus side, we're getting a brand new almost 3,000 sq ft home.  It's going to be nice, and I think having mum there when we move will create some good memories for us.

I don't know much about Dave's new job, and I like that.  He's working at AMC HQ, and most of what he does involves interpreting intelligence.  The less I know about that, the better, I think.  I do know that he's got access to stuff that's classified Secret and is getting a Top Secret clearance - which is fucking HUGE.  Not many people have a Top Secret security clearance, I can tell you that.  He didn't like it at first because he's totally out of his element, but he's learning really fast and is impressing the people he's working for.  He's going to a school in May, after which he'll be a Raven and will get to wear a flight suit *swoon* and go on fly away missions to places I won't know about.  I'll know the continent and the country, but the exact location will be verboten. 

My husband is an awesome guy.  He truly is.  He puts up with all of my crap and doesn't complain much.  I just wish that he could let go of the person that I was and see who I am now....because who I am is truly ME.  It's ME, without any of the accoutrements and baggage that I had a tough time dealing with a few years ago.  This is the authentic me, the person who I was meant to be - who I AM meant to be.  The physical part needs brushing up a little; I could stand to lose 20lbs, but the rest of it is authentic Dharma.  I would really like it if he would let go of who he THINKS I am and got a good look at who I REALLY am.  I think that's partly the source of our spats - he reacts to something that he thinks I'm going to do because he's basing his opinion on who I used to be.  In reality, I don't do that anymore (and haven't done it for a couple of years), but he's still holding on to that image, that thought.  Hmm.  I'm going to have a talk to him tonight about that.  He's not the man he was a few years ago, so I don't know why he expects me to be the same as I was back then.  We both need to take a really good look at who we are today and base our expectations and opinions on our authentic selves. Maybe then we'lll fight less and fuck more.  Gawd knows I need that.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't have any faith in the Christian version of God.  None whatsoever.  I can't believe - I've tried and tried and tried, and it just won't stick.  I've been prayed over, prayed with, prayed for.....you name it, somebody has done it in an attempt to convert me and get me to see that Jesus loves me.  It hasn't worked, and I'm done trying.  I'm happy with my version of how the universe works, I'm confident that there's a deity at work in my life, and I'm confident that I am where I should be, doing what I should be doing.  I don't know what happens to us after our bodies fail us, but I do know that this isn't the end.  Our souls, our spirits, they go on.  I don't know where they go, but I'm certain that they go on.

This place of miscellanious happenings, of bits and pieces, of events and coincidences......this isn't the end.  It's just the beginning.....