SCENE ONE
This is a small film that I will be shooting on Tuesday. Any criticism will be observed and digested with extreme care, or putrid vile, depending...
JP holding up book in front of painting and saying,
“Hello, I’m Johnny Pain.”
SCENE TWO
Ruby and Buk sleeping and or looking bored. JP voice over.
JOHNNY PAIN: Here is the audience for our show today. M. has put a nix on the whole dragging in winos thing. They heckled a lot by the second bottle, anyways. These two, they don’t say much because they are truly, truly listening. They pretend to be asleep sometimes, of course. Yesterdays lectures on the physics of how a pubic hair could possibly be seen at a Rockettes show took most of the day… and I can’t tell you how hard that math was. I had my two assistants here scrunching numbers all day.”
SCENE THREE
Show shot of hamsters dancing and singing on top of computer.
JOHNNY PAIN: They’re just taking a break, and, you know, fooling around for the camera. You should see them with a bazooka. No, I take that back… your enemies should see them with a bazooka.
Turn off the hamsters.
SCENE FOUR
JP sitting at the desk, using a pen to point into the camera. Around him is Star trek chick will have her arm around a dildo. Captain Picard should be making out with a hamster. That sort of shit.
JOHNNY PAIN: You can’t offend anyone when you just blame ‘your enemies,’ because everyone can fill in the blank however. It is surprising how many spouses think of their significant others? Always makes me think of wombats, but then, my eye is so damn clear.”
TAKE IT UP A NOTCH, SO HE LOOKS CRAZY.
JOHNNY PAIN: So damn clear. CLEAR!! Today is the opening salvo in my war with … your enemy… so please, come along as I read a story that symbolically is just wailing on – YOUR ENEMY.
SCENE FOUR
Medium shot shows Johnny Pain sitting in front of window with his arm hanging out. A bloody something on his arm is covered with a dollies
JOHNNY PAIN: Having a hamster super glued to your arm sounds a lot more amusing than it actually has turned out to be. I was merely trying to think of some hip new fashion accessories, so I experimented with gluing rodents to my body. Who hasn't? There was no getting the humping little squealer off, though...
The problems started to become apparent almost immediately with the pooping and peeing all over me... Then there was, of course…
SCENE FIVE
JP slamming HIS arm against the chair screaming, supposedly with the hamster on it.
JOHNNY PAIN: Stop it with the damn humping or I am turning off the porn. I mean it this time.
ARM
PAGE TWO OF TWO
SCENE SIX
JP in the living room trying to watch TV, and slamming his arm with the hamster against a chair while screaming.
JOHNNY PAIN: Stop it with the damn humping or I am turning off the porn. I mean it this time!
SCENE SEVEN
JP sitting at the computer by the window with his arm hanging out, talking into the camera and occasionally glancing down at the traffic passing on the street:
“The incessant humping always ended in embarrassingly loud, squeaky as all hell orgasms followed by flopping around half dead and then bouts of full body twitching punctuated with what I can only describe as explosive flatulence . . . I was kind of relieved the morning I awoke and found Ruby Dog sitting beside me on the bed, calmly chewing away on a bloody, stinky ball of furry eviscerate on my arm.
SCENE EIGHT
Ruby Dog looking extremely cute and happy. Voice over goes on:
JOHNNY PAIN: Death does not become a hamster.
SCENE NINE
JP back at window, talking again to the camera.
“The smell is really getting to M. She is now, with her Nazi-esque ways, making me sit by the window with my arm hanging out -- to add to my humiliation, a small dollies covers the part of my arm where the hamster intestines and lower skeleton are pretty much all still stuck there... people keep waving at me. After a few of them started yelling, M. wouldn't even let me give them the finger anymore. And I don't care if she if she does cut me in my sleep again, I ain't waving at people like M wants me to. She has some kind of notion that this would make up for all the negativity I released into the city by giving that woman and her baby the finger... or some such uneducated babble. Have a day free of painful rectal bleeding... you know, unless you're into that kind of thing -- and then, um, more power to you. I think, at least.”
