Andy Rooney’s last un-aired segment from 60Minutes
The opening scene shows Andy Rooney naked, in restraints, with a Hooker sitting beside him holding what he has been told, by his co-workers who hate even the sound of his shuffling steps, is a hot new sex device, an electronic inner penis warmer. All of Andy's body, with the exception of a few inches of neck below where his chin once proudly stood, has been blurred (network executive’s decided to do this when everyone's eyes exploded who saw his body, though of course only after six months of intensive talks, during which countless ambitious young 'assistant's' were rendered blind, and countless lawyers determined the lawsuits would cost exactly eighteen cents more than the 'wow' factor of being associated with what would almost certainly be a fad, even when they celebrity factored
by being associated with countless people worthy of yellow press).
Looking into the camera and trying to cock his head this way and that despite his throat being secured by a large black collar with sparkling silver spikes, Andy talks in his usual stilting manner, pausing for effect in his trademark (branded) manner, even after words such as 'is,' and 'the.'
"Didja ever wonder... why they stick... hot molten . . . wire in penises? I, Andy Rooney, have... and the thought just won't go away... hasn't since I first heard the boys at the office discussing this new fad with the kids. So here at 60 . . minutes, we've hired . . a hooker, to just that. I've just snorted a huge mound of coke to prepare for the pain, and make room for what has been assured to me will be pleasure, by all my good friends in the newsroom, who have assured me they all do this on the weekends with their wives... though mine acted like I was crazy when I even brought it up like 'something the neighbors were doing.' We are of a different time, I guess... Hey, that kind of still hurts... oh, my god!! This is what the restraints were for?? You said it was atmosphere!!! AHHHHHH!!!AHHHH!!! OH, MY GOD, NO!!!!"
Various well known voices, who have officially been declared 'not who they sound like,' by the no less an ultimate authority on all that is important, than TELEVISION INSIDERS, can be heard in the back ground mockingly calling out, "DIDJA EVER?? DIDJA EVER?? DIDJA EVER??"
