"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."-Lily Tomlin

"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world."-Lily Tomlin

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."-Lily Tomlin

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? "-Lily Tomlin

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. "-Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language."- Jay Leno

"Confucious was a blabbermouth" Unknown..

"Everything in life is free +Tax" Unknown...

"A tree when cut will fall towards the most expensive object" Starlost...

"No matter where you go, There you are.." Buckaroo Banzai

"You can't fix Stupid" Ron White

"Chaos, panic and disorder--my work here is done" Unknown

Come, my friends,
`Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
~Tennyson, Ulysses

I forget how it goes exactly, but here's the gist.

"Oh yeah, very clever. Stacking up troop transports near my home planet for a surprise attack. You're the kind of people who pull this kind of thing off in video games. Then you complain to the developers that the "AI" is "too easy" and that "multiplayer" is a needed "feature"." ~ Lord Kona, Galactic Civilizations 2

I meant to get a screen capture of it, but I lost it.

For a more intensive workout, whack a beehive with a baseball bat.

"I reject your reality and substitute my own.” One of the Myth Busters

Adam.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
-- Samuel Butler

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
-- Sam Ewing

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
-- Robert Paul

The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
-- Edsgar Dijkstra

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
-- Steven Wright

"I said fire a shot across her nose, not up it!"
"What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?"
"So Lonestar, now you see, evil shall always triumph because good is dumb." -Dark Helmet (Spaceballs: The Movie)


(Personal note: There's nothing quite like sci-fi parody. I actually named the custom race I play 'The Spaceballs'. Hail Skroob!)

"who died and made you king of the ****ing zombies?" from shaun of the dead

"One out of three people are ugly. So, look at the people on your right and left, and if they look ok, then you are the one." - unknown radio comic

"the solution to the ongrowing rise in gas/petrol prices isnt to drive less, its to kill more dinosaurs!"
"But dinosaurs are extinct!"
"Who says they have to be dinosaurs? everything turns into gas once its dead for long enough! So if you want to be enviromentally friendly, JUST KILL EVERY LIVING THING YOU SEE!" - sarge, rvb

"DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL! with nasty sharp and pointy teeth!" (that wizard guy in monty python and the holy grail)

"We're all going to die! starting with you!"

"The enemy run like startled goats! Hunt them! goats are good for eating!" rome total war barbarian adviser- I LOVE THE GERMANS.

I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. - Friedrich Nietzsche

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! Friedrich Nietzsche

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams

The Way of Heaven is to benefit others and not to injure. The Way of the sage is to act but not to compete. - Lao-tzu

Good lord, people, stop being so lazy and look up the real original source of the quotes you post - Me

Edit: echelon, his name is Tim and he's an Enchanter, not a Wizard.

"I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, viscious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot."
--Jack Handy

And there's plenty more where that came from.

* All generalizations are false.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.