They canceled work today, but I still had to go and drop off some papers. I was really lazy about going at first, but once I walked outside the dorm, I felt somewhat relieved to be able to get away from my room. I chose to walk the path that I knew would have less people because I didn’t particularly feel like dealing with anyone. At first, I found myself walking really fast. Why are you walking so fast? I asked myself. Because it feels good, came the reply. I felt like I needed that surge of just walking as fast as I could, away from whatever I could. As I came closer to my destination, I began to slow down. I felt the wind blowing my hair all over the place, but I didn’t bother to move it away from my eyes. In fact, I kind of liked having those locks of hair masking my face. My CD player stopped working, and although I tried to get it to replay for quite some time, it didn’t budge. I found it disappointing me just like everyone and everything else in my life seemed to be doing at that current time.
I finally reached my workplace and submitted the papers that needed to be submitted. I asked my boss a question and was surprised to find that my ears were so surprised to hear that my voice sounded normal and almost content. The whole way there, my head had been yelling or sobbing, and then the voice that had come out sounded so normal. It made me wonder if I was kind of fake.
I stepped outside again and felt a millisecond of bliss as the breeze overtook my hair and drenched me with coolness. I pulled out my headphones and tried to make my CD Player work once more. It didn’t work, but I left my headphones on anyways, as if that would help me be hidden from the world, or avoid the world, I’m not sure which one. Now, I walked slowly, in no hurry to get back to my room. As I walked through the Quad, I saw a goth-like girl sitting on the steps. From the corner of my eye, I could see her gaze following me as I walked in front of her, and for some reason, my heart called out to her. For that brief moment, with absolutely no reason, I felt we held a deep connection, where only we could understand one another. Whether she received my calling or not, I don’t know.
I walked up the steps to my dorm and smiled to the familiar faces around me. It’s stunning how deceptive a smile can be. I felt like a fraud, though, carrying this deceiving, phony smile. Especially since I pride myself so much on being genuine. I felt like I was cheating the world like it seemed the world was cheating me.
